Physicals, Holes and Pant Legs

I am good at creating awkward moments. I know this, my friends know this, everyone knows this.

Well, today I did it again.

This is really two stories. One that began almost a year ago. Another that started a week ago.

Flash back to a year ago while at work. I am sitting at the front desk of my office along with Kaylene, one of the girls I work with. My "boss" James is standing at my desk talking about who knows what. Probably about how asparagus makes your pee smell funny. I say "boss" because while he is the associate director of my department, he spends most of his time standing around the office eating chips and telling weird stories. Oh yes, and trying to get me to eat weird things like tiny fish that still have EYES! Gross. (Yes, I did eat it. It was crunchy and tasted like fish food).

While he is distracting me from trying to get anything done, a guy walks up to my desk and asks me how to get to the place where they do physicals. James walks away from my desk and towards the back of the office so I can help the student. I stare at the guy awkardly at which point he adds in that he needs a physical for sports. I realize what he wants is health and counseling which is like our medical clinic on campus. I have two options, I could attempt to explain to him how to get there, or send him to information so they can explain it. Information is about 5 feet from my desk, and I am AWFUL at giving people directions so I tell him to go to information.

Kaylene, who is still sitting next to me, then tells me, "you know, I could have explained it to him." I stare at her, and then at the guy who has now walked away from my desk and then say, "Oh well!"

As soon as the guy has left my desk, my boss comes sprinting across the office back towards me and then leans over the counter on my desk and attempts to whisper at me, "What's that guys name?"

I look at him incredulously and tell him I have no idea. He asks me if his name is (insert random name here since I no longer remember what it is). Now I give him a look that says, seriously? Because, no, I didn't just say, I have no idea who he is. Wait, I did. James then continues to try and convince me to shout out this random name and see if he will turn around. I tell him heck no, but he runs away from my desk, cups his hands around his mouth and whisper shouts at me "Do it!"

I turn away from him and ignore him. about 3 minutes pass and the guy is still standing in front of the information desk waiting to be helped because the lady who is at the desk has been on the phone the entire time. Feeling bad for making the poor guy wait when I actually could answer his question, I tell him to come back and we'll explain how to get there. By we, I mean Kaylene will because my direction giving skills had not improved in the last 5 minutes.

Kaylene explained how to get there and the guy started to walk away. After he had taken about 2 steps away from my desk I shouted after him "Wait!" When he turned and looked at me, I asked him what his name was. He told me it was Omar. I said thanks, and then went back to typing on my computer. He stared at me for a second, and then continued to walk away.

As soon as he was out the door, one of the ladies I work with said, "well that wasn't creepy or anything. That poor boy probably thought you were hitting on him."

She had a point.

By the way, it wasn't who James thought it was.

Flash forward to today. A guy walks into the office. I am sitting at the front desk and so is Kaylene. A guy walks up to the front desk and asks me a question about his financial aid package and why he doesn't have one. Kaylene starts talking to him while I look it up and try to figure it out. After some investigating and frantic running all over the office, we finally figure out the problem and get everything all fixed. The guy asks me my name and the three of us chat for a little it. Then, as the guy is walking away, Kaylene says to him bye Omar.

Okay I definitely read his name before that moment, and he had even said it before then, but it wasn't until Kaylene said it that it registered. Wait! this is the guy I was totally creepy to a year ago. Well that's weird. Lucky for me, my totally weird and slightly stalkerish behavior is not that memorable.

Which brings us to the second story.

A guy comes into the office last week and wants to know about setting up a payment plan. Of course, that is the one thing I cannot actually help with and the person he needs to talk with is out of the office. So I tell him to come back the next day and try again.

Next day - he comes back and once again, the person he needs is not there. Okay so now he's thinking either this girl just secretly wants to see me, or she is absolutely unhelpful. Yeah, it's probably a combination.

This took place for the next couple of days, him coming in, me being totally unhelpful and no one being there who needed to be there. Either way, we had random little conversations every day he stopped in.

Today he came in again and walks up to my desk. The first thing he says to me with a smile is, "are you here every day?" to which i tilt my head in contemplation and respond, "yep, pretty much."

Then I realized that the lady he needed to talk to was actually in today and proceeded to get very excited to the point where I was no longer forming coherent sentences. After a slight amount of effort, I ended up getting him to the right person whose desk just so happens to be RIGHT next to mine. He was sitting at her desk waiting for her to grab something when I got up from my desk and went to go do something. I made it about 3 steps before tripping and looking like a total idiot. I stood up and laughed at myself, because I am seriously clumsy. He was watching me and was also laughing at me. As I walked past him, he whispered to me, "Don't worry, you were totally graceful and no one was watching." I laughed at him and kept walking.

A few minutes later, back at my desk, I was having a melt down. I tend to get super ADD at work and I have so many projects I am trying to work on that I can't focus on anything and I end up staring off into space. I was having one of those moments. I was also hyper and talking really quickly to Kaylene about my recent moment of confusion and panic. My meltdown was complete with me smashing my head on my desk and wild, frantic hand motions.

Once again, the guy was still there and watching all of this occur. It was official, he thought I was crazy.

I also have this terrible habit of asking people really random questions at strange inopportune moments. So while he was filling something out, I had to walk past him and he had a hole in his pant leg. I wanted to know why. I do not feel like that is unreasonable. Looking back on it, I probably should not have asked him about it if I was going to at all make him think I was not insane. But hey, why not dig myself into a bigger hole. I asked. He told me had more than one hole. He also had two at the bottom where his feet stuck out. He avoided my question, but I was entertained so I let it slide.

Eventually he left and he had to walk around my desk to do so. By then I was focusing on my computer screen trying to be normal and stop shouting in the middle of a quiet office. As he passed by, he stopped and told me to stop playing solitaire and get back to work. Then he smiled and left.

Why do I always have to act crazy around the cute ones. :/ Right. I do that around everyone.

And just in case you were wondering, the guy that came in with one pant leg rolled up. Yes I did ask him why. And yes, he did tell me it's because he was riding his bike. Now you know.

Clocks and Keys

There are those moments in life where sometimes you just have to stop, take a step back and say to yourself, "why does my life feel a horrible teen movie?"

Okay well maybe you don't have those moments, but lately, I've been having them frequently. Maybe it's all the Disney movies I secretly watch (Camp Rock 2 was terrible by the way) or all of the teen books I read. Who knows. At any rate, I keep stumbling into these awkward moments where I look like a complete idiot.

Here is today's example:

I was sitting in my adorable little desk, waiting impatiently the ten minutes it was going to take before class would start when one of the guys in my class walks in. He sits in the row behind me, and one over (the same place he always sits). I have never really talked to him before nor do I really know his name, but there's sun out today and I can't really sit still.

I'm sitting sideways, my feet propped up on the desk next to me. Around my neck is my brand new (and gorgeous I might add) clock necklace. I have a strange fascination with clocks as jewelry. Anyway, I was playing with it in my hand and this guy (we shall name him NBBM - nameless boy behind me) asks me, "Does your clock actually work?"

I got excited, because yes, yes it does work! It's pretty and functional, heck yes it is freaking awesome. We start talking about jewelry and I tell him about my strange fascination with clocks as jewelry. Why not.

Then he tells me, you also like keys don't you? And I say yes! I love old fashioned keys!

About the time he's telling me about this random collection of old fashion keys his family has, it dawns on me, how the heck does this random guy I've never really talked to know I like old fashioned keys? This is creepy. Who is this guy? How could he possibly know this? Unless that was the most amazing random guess that has ever occurred, there is something shifty going on here.

Class starts, and our conversation ends, we move on. Or do we???

Okay he probably does, but I don't! I spend the rest of the class not paying attention but instead focusing on the fact that he may in fact be an axe murderer who has been stalking me the entire semester and even gone so far as to take a class with me so he could plot how he would murder me! I glanced back at him periodically throughout class, giving him a suspicious glare. I even made sure he left the classroom before me so he couldn't follow me! I was on to him....

It was not until almost 2 hours later while at work that this happened -

I was showing my wonderful new necklace to one of the ladies I work with because anytime I get something new, I always have show and tell at work! She was oohing and aahing over my necklace and then commented how it matched my key earrings so well because both are made out of a coppery, distressed, antique looking gold. We talk about jewelry and where I got my necklace and earrings and then I go back to my desk to work.

As I am typing something all the sudden I realize - KEY EARRINGS! Holy marshmallow on a stick! I have been wearing my key earrings all day long.

NBBM was in fact not creepy, a stalker, or a murderer. No, he was just observant. I on the other hand am apparently deranged. And I am pretty sure he would agree with me.

Now I feel like an idiot. Good job me.

Lesson for today: Don't forget what earrings you have on. It could save you two hours of your life.

He's Not Finished With Me Yet

I have an overwhelming urge to write lately, yet I can't sort out any of my thoughts. I seem to be so incredibly scattered. Most times, I process out loud when I talk with someone, or often, in writing. Processing with other people has gotten me into trouble lately, or has been taken the wrong way so I have been avoiding that.

I have noticed myself pulling away from people lately. I know exactly why I am and I don't know what to do. My irrational side wants to cut people out completely, but my practical side knows I shouldn't. What do you do when you begin to resent the most important people in your life? I hate how I feel yet I don't want to let go. I'm fighting with myself and with God. It's a fight I know I'm going to lose.

I am afraid of being hurt so I push people away. But I am deathly scared that when I push people away, they won't come back.

Letting people in is extremely hard, and I don't like doing it. At the same time, the people I do let in, I am extremely open with, which may or may not be a good thing. I jump into my friendships full force, and am taken aback when other people do not. That has been one of my biggest frustrations this last year with a couple of different people. In some aspect, it has been good for me. I rely too much on other people and not enough on God.

I keep asking myself why it is so easy for me to jump full force into friendships with people, yet, I struggle and fight with myself to let God in. A long time ago, I stopped trusting God. I don't know exactly when or why, but it has been one of my hardest obstacles to overcome. I want to let God in so badly, and at the same time, I push Him away.

More than ever, I have been trying to overcome this. Though I have had little success, I am determined to stick with it. The last couple of weeks, I have been looking at my motivation. Why do I want to get closer to God? Why do I read my Bible? Why do I pray?

I know what my answers should be.

Right now, I am reading through the Psalms. It's been frustrating and enjoyable at the same time. I don't always understand them but I do admire the passion that most of them are written with. That is something I lack and do not know how to find. I do not know how to love God so completely and passionately. Is that something you learn or are born with?

I remember in junior high being so frustrated when I would talk to people at youth group that you could tell were excited about God and had only recently become a Christian. I thought it wasn't fair. I had been a Christian all my life. I had grown up at church and read my Bible, but I never felt that way. I never had that same excitement they had. I remember feeling broken and is if something were wrong with me.

That is the first time I started to give up on God. I was angry and confused. I continued to run into situations and circumstances where I felt frustrated for many of the same reasons I wanted to give up. I don't know why, but I never fully did.

Even though I have a long way to go still, I know that even through my frustration and struggling, God is working in me. My motivations and passions have been slowly changing. I also realized something important. I keep comparing myself to other people and their relationships to God. I can't do that. No one else's relationship with God matters. What matters is mine and building and repairing it.

I have no idea how to do that, but God keeps helping me along. It's a long, slow and frustrating process, but I want to stick with it. I feel like God is preparing me for things. Things I never imagined or expected. I am scared and excited. I know He will never give me anything I cannot handle.

With my grad applications due in a few days, I have been having a difficult time with the future. I stress about everything. It is a terrible habit and one I am working on. I began to fear that I would not get in to the MAT program. It was apart of my plan, the idea of not getting in was never an option. I always just assumed I would. Everything else on my plan had always worked out.

With the fear of not getting into grad school came a whole new set of fears. I have always known I wanted to teach. For all of my life, I had attributed that desire to being part of what God wanted for me. I never questioned it or really asked what God wanted me to do with my life. I just knew. But what if I was wrong? What if what i wanted had overshadowed what God wanted for me. I spent several days reanalyzing my entire life and all of my decisions. Before I knew it, I was having a complete life crisis for no reason.

God made me a teacher. He has made that clear since I was little. That is why I wanted to be a teacher. All of my giftings and desires have been for teaching. God has been preparing me for the last 21 years to be a teacher. If I was ever sure about anything in my entire life, it has been that God has called me to teach. Anytime I have doubted that, God has always reassured me. Many times that has been in the form of other people. Several people in my life have told me I would make an amazing teacher. sometimes these are people I know well and sometimes they are people I have never met. Recently, a sort of new friend of mine randomly told me he thought I would make a good teacher. I didn't really pay any attention to his comments at the time, but as I was going through my meltdown, his words came back to me while I was praying. It made me laugh, and cry. I pray so hard that God would give me answers, and when he does, I don't even realize it. He's got it all taken care of before I even ask. I do not need to worry about things. One of my friends reminded me of that recently when he quoted a passage that I keep coming back to -

"Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day."

Matthew 6:31-34


Stressing about grad school will get me absolutely nowhere. I know God wants me to teach, and He will help me make it happen. If that means I get into grad school at Fox, then so be it. If I do not get in, then I know God has something different planned for me, and though it may not be what I want, it will be what I need.

Graduation is where my knowledge of God's plan stops and the unknown of God's plan begins.

I don't know what I will be doing with my life, or what people I will be able to rely on come May, but I know God won't leave me hanging. He always provides when I need Him to.


Lately there are two songs that sum up what I'm going through.

Carry Me - Audrey Assad



Wait and See - Brandon Heath

Nighttime

Sleepless nights haunt me. Though I pray for relief, it does not come. One day blurs into the next until I no longer recognize them. Soon things will get better. Easier. Exhaustion, washes over me, drowning me in unending waves. Things aren't supposed to be this hard. I never planned for this. Homework, once finished days in advance, now sits neglected. What happened to me?

I wasn't supposed to feel this way. It wasn't supposed to end up like this. Watching it unfold before me gets harder, yet, I don't know what else to do. Lie. Pretend to be fine. For awhile, no one notices. Slowly, facades slip away. My wall begins to crack, letting in that which it was built to keep out. Buried hurt surfaces at the most inopportune moments. Though I try to cover it, it will not be hidden.

Constantly slipping away, I cannot hold on. Knowing of its eventuality did not make it any easier. The hurt still exists. Still causes the tears. I stare in as if looking through a glass window, face pressed against the glass. Inside I see it, but the glass bars my way. Though I knock, no one looks. Do they even know? Dare I let them?

Fear

Fear seems to be permeating my life right now. I am afraid of what may or may not happen, of decisions that have to be made. I am afraid of the silence I cannot seem to break, and the answers I may be missing. I am afraid of of answers to my questions, and the hurt that may accompany them. Mostly, I am afraid of messing everything up.

The last couple of weeks have been hard. Some days I just feel like crying, others I don't know what to feel. At one point, I lost it completely and wanted so badly to give up. The next day, I got an answer that I needed very much.

While this last week has been a lot better, I am starting to slip back into uncertainty and second guessing. I want so badly to be content with where things are at right now, but I cannot help but wonder and worry. God is definitely teaching me patience this semester.

Since school began, I have not been able to sleep past 5 am. When I wake, I feel unsettled and drained. That is why, I pray. Eventually, I feel at peace again and can usually fall back asleep, but it is still taking its toll on me.

I am not sure where God is leading me at the moment and though I ask, I get no answer. I am trusting that no matter the outcome, I will be okay. I may not like how things end, but I trust that it will all work out in the end. That is not to say I will not be hurt through the process.

There is something I do not understand. I have been praying constantly that God would guard my heart as I try and figure my way through my relationships, yet I am afraid it is not working. I feel like I am losing more and more of myself and I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to hope or to run. The more I pray about this, the more I become confused about it.

Every day I have to remind myself that I don't have to be this upset and confused. I don't have to do this alone. While it is hard, I keep handing over my frustration, my confusion and my hurt to God. This is not my situation to control and when I try to, it only gets harder.


No matter how this all works out, I will be okay. I am so very blessed with the people God has placed in my life and they help me get through it all. Without their encouragement and guidance, I may have fallen to pieces weeks ago. For now, I will keep on praying and keep on reading my Bible. The rest is God's to work out, and I find comfort in knowing that even if I do fall apart, He'll put me back together again. He has before, and He can do it again.

Oh life, why are you so complicated?

This Journey is My Own

Lately, I have not been sleeping well. Perhaps it is the heat, or maybe it is something else. I am not sure but I do know that something is wrong. While I was trying to find something to do with myself instead of sleeping, I decided to read through some of my old posts. Reading through them was an interesting experience.

It made me realize several things that I think are very important. I have and continue to struggle with the same issues with God. I have lately been frustrated by this, but looking back at how I felt over the last several years, I came to a realization. Maybe it isn't so bad that I question the things that I do. Through my frustration, and questioning, I have grown. I still do not have answers to all of my questions, but I do not think I am supposed to.

While reading, I also realized something else. I have lost some of my certainty. While I questioned God and Christianity, I still looked to Him for comfort and for my answers. I still trusted that He could get me through any situation and though it may be hard at the time, in the end, I always came out stronger. Over the past year, I have lost that and it makes me sad. I do not know when or why it happened, but I think that is a big part of why I am having a difficult time now.

I have been very encouraged to go back to the best source for my constant desire for knowledge, the Bible. Somehow I forgot how much it can help and encourage me. Reading it now has been enlightening. It is almost like reading it for the first time. In a way, I am. There are things I am beginning to understand that I was not ready or willing to understand before.

Uncertainty has been a constant theme that runs in my life and I found a blog I wrote a little over three years ago about this exact thing. It may sound strange, but I found help and comfort in my own musings from that time. One verse that really helped me at the time and that I still like is the following:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

Psalm 32:8

I get so caught up in worrying about the future and planning, that I forget I am not in control. Sure, I can make all of the plans I want, but in the end, my plans are not what matter. Sometimes, it is okay to now know. As this verse reminds me, God is watching over me and will lead me in the right direction. I just need to let Him.

As i read through one my old posts, I was reminded of one of the most important people I have ever known. I wrote a blog shortly after I lost my best friend, and I completely forgot about it. Reading back through it was difficult. While I do not cry every time I think of my friend anymore, I do still miss him. Over the years, I have forgotten what he taught me. This is what I wrote at the time:

"Marcus taught me a lot of things about life and God while he was still alive. I will never forget him or the love he showed for everyone. Marcus taught me that you could overcome anything. He did and he was amazing. He never complained about his life and I know there was much to complain of. He taught the value of persistence. I may have gotten annoyed at how much he called and bugged me but he helped me through things without me even knowing it. He impacted so many lives although his own was so short.
Marcus taught me that it doesn't matter what you accomplish in school or at work. All that matters in the end is the kind of person you were. What matters is the lives you impacted with your own and whether or not that was in a positive way. I know he affected more people than I will ever know and in such a positive way.
Most importantly, he taught me the value of my faith. He had next to nothing but he had his faith and that was all that mattered. Because of it, he could've accomplished anything. Marcus had such an unshakable trust in God that you knew it wherever he went. He showed the love of God through not only his words but his actions. He didn't care what people thought of him he just did what he knew God was calling him to do."

Every time I read this verse, I think of Marcus:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own

understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He
shall direct your paths."
- Proverbs 3:5,6

Another theme in my life I have noticed is the theme of suffering and pain. At times I struggle with how to deal with this. It has probably been the biggest reason I fight with God. However, I was reminded that while I often view my struggles as a negative, much good can come from them as well.

When we go through hard times and survive them, we become stronger. One painful experience only prepares us for another. God will never put us through anything we cannot handle. I guess that's something we should remember. And when we are suffering, we are not alone. God is always there beside us. Even when we reject him. No matter what, he is always there. He is the only one that no matter what, we can turn to.

No matter how mad you get at God, or how far you walk away from Him, He'll be there at the end of the day. Even when your friends aren't. And I truly believe that God gives us friends to help ease some of the suffering.

There are so many hard things we must experience. From every hard experience, I walk away with new understanding and a bit of growth. I was reminded of Isaiah when I was thinking of this.

Isaiah 40:29-31

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength."

Lastly, I noticed that I tend to write when I am struggling the most. However, this also when I seem to learn the most about myself and about God. It is the times when I am forced to give up all control and turn to God that He is able to teach me. Hopefully I can learn to do this without having to hit rock bottom first.

The more I learn and the more I grow in my relationship with God, the more struggles and temptations that are thrown in my path. Rather than being frustrated and overwhelmed by this, I should take it as a sign that God is doing something in me. I will find joy in my pain and learning in my struggles.

There are two songs that I have been listening to over and over that i think fit nicely with all of this. Both of them are by Sara Groves. She is who I listen to when I need encouragement, or when I am upset. The first is entitled, "It's Going to Be Alright" which I think is self explanatory. The other song is "He's Always Been Faithful" and this is a song that has helped me more than any other song. It can bring me to tears every time I hear it, but in a good way. So here are they lyrics and if you haven't heard it before, you should find it. -

He's Always been Faithful:

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me.

I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand

All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful, He's always been faithful
He's always been faithful to me.

Of June

Current Struggles:
- loneliness
- confusion

- my faith

Loneliness:

I am glad to say that in many ways, this has gotten much better. I have been able to talk to one of my friends almost every day pretty much and that is always very encouraging. Plus I have gotten to spend a lot more time with another of my friends. She's spent almost every night at my apartment for the last two weeks watching a ridiculous tv show with me. All of this has helped very much with the feeling of loneliness, however, it is still something I feel. Especially now that I am alone for the weekend.

Confusion:

There are a great many things that have me confused as of late. I recently have had some issues with one of my friendships that I don't know what to do about. I was finally honest with them in a way I haven't been able to before, but ever since I returned from Europe, our friendship just hasn't been quite right. I feel in many ways it has been tearing me down more than it has been building me up. It reminds me of Proverbs 12:26 - "A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray." That is not to say that my friend is wicked, but when I hang out with her, I am around a lot more swearing and drinking. I have always chosen my friends carefully and it is not easy for me to get close to people. But perhaps certain friendships are only meant to last a season, and lately, I have seen different friendships replace some old ones for the better. I don't know what I should do at this point. I do not like hurting people and I know that has already happened. At the same time, I am trying really hard to get my life on track for once.

There is also another issue I am confused about, but for now, I will leave that one be and just continue to pray about it. If God wants it to happen, it will.

My Faith:

As always, this is a still a struggle I am dealing with. However, an amazing thing happened the other day. My biggest problem is that I have always felt a disconnect from God. I feel as though I search for Him, but never find Him. As I was talking to someone, they quoted Deuteronomy 4:29 to me which says, "But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul." At the time I did not think much of it.

A few days letter I received a letter from another friend and in it, he quoted the same exact verse to me. I don't remember why or even what he said about it, but the moment I read it again, it hit me really hard.

It was as if God was using these two people and this one verse to get my attention I did not hear God the first time, but the second time, He got my undivided attention. It was as if God was telling me to keep looking for him, because eventually I would find Him. So that is precisely what I am doing. Seeking God with all of my heart and all of my soul. and I have been starting that by grounding myself in the word. Something I have needed to do for a long time but haven't. With every passage I read, I am learning more and I am encouraged more.

Current Joys:

- Friends

- Fourth of July

- Letters

- Writing

- Reading

Friends:

My friends are a constant source of joy to me. Some more than others at times, but I love all of them and am incredibly grateful that God has blessed me with such wonderful people. I have a lot of people that I consider to be my friends, but there are only a handful of people that I consider to be my close friends. I have seen God use them to work in my life in amazing ways these last couple of months and every time I am blown away.

This last weekend I was very excited when I got a phone call from someone I haven't talked to in months. I had, had to work that Saturday and was not excited to go back to my empty apartment so her phone call was exactly what I needed. Through talking to her, and seeing how supportive and enthusiastic she was for me about some things that have been happening in my life, I realized just how lucky I was to have her and how much I missed her. Over the last 9 or so years, she has been the person that is always there for me no matter what. She let me drag her anywhere, and was always willing to talk about whatever relationship mess I had gotten myself into at the time. It was so nice to be able to talk to her once again. Now I just wish she wasn't all the way in Minnesota.

Fourth of July:

I will make this one short. On Friday, I get to go to the beach with 4 of the 6 of my 6-pack for the entire weekend. I am SUPER excited and it will be amazing! I love these girls a heck of a lot. :)

Letters:

This has been and will continue to be a HUGE joy in my life. Anyone that knows me at all, should know by now just how excited I have been about this all summer ( I'm pretty sure I tell absolutely everyone, even people I don't know) I love letters! Just ask anyone who has seen my find one in my mailbox. :) This summer I have gotten the wonderful blessing of having a pen pal! A real live one that I know! That is something that I have ALWAYS wanted and I finally got one. In a way, I actually have two. Two of my friends have been sending letters and back and forth with me this summer and it has been a lot of fun. It has given me an outlet to share a lot of things I have needed to, as well as get to learn more about the people who write me. And I always manage to get my letters on the days that I need them the most.

Writing:

Previously this has been a struggle for me, but as of this last week, I am officially writing again. While looking for something on my computer, I came across a story that I had started my freshman year of college. I had written about 15 or so pages of it before and I did not remember it all. I read it out loud to my roommate and we both laughed at how ridiculous it was. When I finished reading it, she told me I should finish it, so that's what I decided to do. After a lot of rewriting of what I originally had, and a lot of additions, I am now on page 23. Hopefully I can finish it up soon. I am very happy to be writing again.

Reading:

One of the things I enjoy the most in my life is reading. During the school year, I pretty much do nothing but read, so by the summer, I am somewhat burnt out. However, the summer is the only time I have for reading fun books that I want to read. I have already finished quite a few books this summer and went to the library and picked up a few more. Next on my list is Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller, The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis, and a bunch of short stories by Flannery O'Conner. These are just a few, and my list of things I want to read is ever increasing. Luckily, I have very little to do this summer other than read, so it shouldn't be hard to make a big dent in my list. :)