Why Do Things Never Make Sense?

I ask but I do not hear. I seek yet I do not find. I keep asking God for answers. I keep asking for help and for guidance. What do I do, what do I say? I don’t know. I can’t hear His answers, and I do not know if it is because I cannot hear them, or if I will not hear them. I want to know why. I want to know the reasons why I am friends with him. Why was I made to care about him. Why do I feel such a desire to help him. I think I mistook my own feelings. I did like him at one point. But now, what I thought was feelings for him was really something else.
I won’t let go of him and I’m scared to lose him. But why am I so scared of it. I tell myself it is one of many possible reasons. I don’t want to be without him. It would be too hard to be without him. I don’t know what I would do.
I’m an idiot. I don’t need him. I can live without him and I will be fine. I did it before. It just seems hard. Yes, I’m going to get hurt. That’s inevitable. But God would not allow me to go through anything I cannot handle. I got through it once, and I was fine. It took me awhile, but I was fine.
When I am hurt, who do I turn to? When things get hard, who do I turn to? When I am happy, who do I turn to? That’s just the problem. I don’t go to the right person. But what happens when the person I go to gets taken away from me? I run to God. I should have been running to God all along. I don’t trust God. I can’t give my life to Him completely. I say I do, but I reserve a little piece for me. I can’t do that. I have to give all of myself up. But how do I do that?
That’s another thing. He hurt me. He hurt me a great deal. And I wanted to forgive him. But I wanted to forgive him for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t over him. I thought I was. I lied to myself. I told myself it wasn’t true. I didn’t like him. He was just my friend. But why did things bother me so much? If he was just my friend and if I didn’t have feelings for him, why was it different with him. My friends didn’t believe me, but I believed me. Or did I? I knew, but I would not admit it to myself, or anyone else.
I didn’t forgive him. I said I had forgiven him, but I did not fully. I’ve been holding on to the hurt. I’ve been using it against him. I’ve allowed anger to build and I’ve slowly been releasing it. When we fight, I let a little more anger show. Or worse, I suppress it. I pretend it’s not there. I’m mad at him but I will not tell him. I need to let go of it completely. What’s done is done. I can’t forgive him, but then want him to be sorry for it. Whether or not he’s sorry isn’t important. What’s important is that I do in fact forgive. And I need to forget.
How do you forget? How do you let go of hurts? You don’t. But God does. And God helps you see those bad things and those hurts as stepping stones on the way to better things. When it happened, yes it felt like my whole life was falling apart. But it wasn’t. That was just one small thing in a bigger picture. And I learned something from it. I learned to run to God. But I forgot it.
When he started talking to me again, I forgot what I had learned. I started going to him again instead of God.
I want to help him so badly but I can’t. That is another thing I have learned. Nothing I say or do has any impact. I’ve been asking God to use me. To use me to speak to him and to help him. I don’t know what he’s going through, and frankly, I don’t think he does either, but God does. So how can I help him? I can’t. But God can use me to help him if that’s what He wants. I may not understand his methodology but I don’t need to. I need to trust that God is in fact using me. Maybe He’s teaching him something. Maybe He’s teaching me something. Or, maybe He’s teaching us both something. Rather than getting upset, angry and hurt, I need to stop for a minute and seek God.
He is going through something right now and God is working in his life. For awhile, that may mean that I am not to be apart of that. What I need to realize is that that is okay. I’m taking it personal. It means he doesn’t care about me. It means I did something wrong, or there is something wrong with me. I’m making it about me and it’s not. It’s about him. I can’t help him if I’m worried about how it’s going to affect me. That’s a very selfish approach.
Whatever God wants to happen is going to happen. And I can resist that if I want to, or I can accept it and be okay with it. I don’t want to fight it. That’s what I’ve been doing for awhile now and it’s only causing more chaos.
I did things wrong last time. I went to my friends for answers and advice. They were not the ones with the answers. God was the one with the answers. I needed to ask Him. But I was afraid. I was afraid that He would take him away from me. And that’s what He did. Then I got mad at God. In my anger I was blinded. It’s taken me several months to try and understand this, but I think it’s finally starting to register.
He asked for a couple of days to figure things out. I need to give it to him. And I can’t get upset and I can’t fight. In my attempt to stay friends I end up fighting with him. By fighting with him I only push him away. I only make things more complicated. I’m causing part of the problem.
When I was asking God to use me, I was getting in the way. I need to not ask God to use me, but I need to ask that God help him. Maybe I can’t help him. God needs to use someone else at this point to help him. But that can’t happen until I let go.
I’ve felt for awhile now that I should stop talking to him. Not permanently necessarily but at least for a couple days. He needs to figure things out, and I need to let him. I didn’t want to do that though. I wanted to talk to him. But I don’t want to talk to him when he doesn’t want to talk to me. And I don’t want to talk to him when all that happens is both of us get frustrated. It’s not fun and it’s not worth it. He won’t not talk to me, so I need to do it.
I let him run things. I let him walk over me because if I didn’t, I thought he might not talk to me. But I was being stupid and ridiculous. So what if he doesn’t talk to me? That doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. I do, very much so, and I always will. But I should not allow the fact that I care about him to be an excuse for him to treat me badly. It only creates more problems and ends up hurting me.
Why he acts that way to me is not my problem, it’s his. It is his thing to work out, and I need to respect that. I want to fix it. I want to understand and to change it. But I can’t. And I shouldn’t allow it to hurt me as much as it does. It bothers me a lot that he needs to be mean to me, and it shouldn’t. I shouldn’t let it. And I’m not going to.

I’ve been asking for understanding and I think I’ve gotten it. Part of my understanding is realizing that I can’t understand. I don’t know God’s overall plan. I don’t know why things happen and that’s okay.

If I end up losing him it’ll be hard. I won’t like it, and I might be angry about it for awhile. And I’m not going to lie, I’ll miss him. But in time I’ll be okay.
And if we stay friends then that’s fine too. I love him as my friend, and as long as God wants us to be friends, I’ll be happy to remain so.

For the first time in months, I feel a sense of peace about things. I still have a long road ahead of me, but I’m excited and a little bit scared to see where it takes me. But I know I won’t be doing it alone.