Cursed

Have you ever felt as though the world is out to get you?

Ever since I was little, my life has been once big secession of things going wrong. When it became my turn, God handed me the hard life baton and sent me off running. Everyone has their fair share of disappointments and bumps in the road but I got stuck with a boulder in my road. My first semester of sophomore year was a total disaster. I was overwhelmed with life, my family, school, work, and my never ending struggle with my faith. When this next semester began, I decided it was going to go better. I thought perhaps, if I sent out my good vibes, or whatever you want to call them, the universe would respond with positivity. Well if you're thinking of trying it, don't bother, it doesn't work. My good vibes came back to mock me. And I can't say I really blame them.

Well, the first two weeks went well. I took an easier load so school wouldn't overwhelm me as much. Things at home were finally starting to go a little better. Sure, my brother is dating someone who needs a lot of help, they have a baby together that I don't get to see, he went to jail, and my dad got diabetes but that just seems to fit into the flow of everything.

Well, today I got a call that really just topped off the beginning of the year. During the arctic blast of 2008, my dad slipped on the ice and wrenched his knee. The same knee he gets gout it and can't take medication for because that would counteract his drugs he takes for his kidney. It's been bothering him and last week he finally went to the doctor. Turns out it's much more than just gout. He went in for an MRI today and in a couple days we'll find out if he needs surgery. Sure why not add just one more thing on top of all of his other problems.

Oh but no, that is not the only thing. My mom got laid off her job today. The job she's worked at since before I can even remember. She was a pastor at my church. In fact, my parents were apart of the group that originally planted our church, helped build it, literally, and have been faithful servants in ever since. Now I have many problems with my church and the leadership but this only just added to that. What really makes me angry about it all is that they not only laid off my mom but a couple other people in the church. They did it counting on the fact that because these are such faithful people, they'd probably do their job for free so that the people they help didn't suffer any.

Even more infuriating is the fact that the last couple of weeks my pastor has been standing in front of the congregation begging for money. There were two services in Decemeber that got missed and because of that, the church didn't make enough money. Rather than praying about it and trusting God to provide, they begged people to give them money which to me shows a huge lack of faith. Then, because that made little difference, they laid people off. But hey, they had money to put in windows in the back of the sanctuary because what the hell, that would be just lovely.

I do not say any of this because I am walking away from my faith or from God. If I were to be truly honest though, I am angry with Him. I know that when hard times come, we are to look to Him for comfort and guidance. We are supposed to trust Him because he has a plan. I know all of that. When your "hard times" never end though, it gets a little harder to put it into practice. I don't understand God's plan for my family or for me and frankly, I don't need to. However, it would be nice to know that there was a reason all of this is happening. That some sort of good would come from a lifetime of bad. Perhaps that's just the wishful part of me.

I struggle daily with bitterness. I could easily allow it to consume my life but I choose not to. That does not mean I don't have my moments, like this one. Most of the time, I choose to remain hopeful. One day it will be used for good. I live and hope for that day and that moment. Until then, all I can do is remain hopeful. Believe me, that is no easy thing. My anger at God will go away and I will remember that amidst all of the horribleness, there is good. For as many negatives in my life, there are an equal number, not more of positives that God has given me. Those are the things that bring me back to God. Those are the things that keep me going.

The Book Thief

Current music obsession: Erin McCarley

Current book: The Book Thief

Current emotion: on the brink of tears

I just finished reading the book thief. It was one of the best books I've read. It tells the story of a young girl during the holocaust. What made the book unique was that it was set from the point of view of the Angel of Death, and surprisingly was not about a Jew.

When I think of WWII an the holocaust, I always think of the persecution and murder of thousands of Jews. I don't picture what happened to the everyday people of Germany or any country in the middle of the war.

I fell in love with Liesel Meminger and the beloved boy with hair the color of lemons. Each page of the book was unique and special. Finding myself at the end, I was sad to find it was over. I hoped more than anything that it would end how I wanted it to. But if it had, it would not have been honest and I don't think I could have truly been satisfied.

I cried through the last couple chapters of this book. Anyone that doesn't missed the point completely. Ironically, the Jew is one of the only people that survives in the end. It was beautifully written and in a style I have not yet encountered before. I hope the next book I read will measure up.