This Journey is My Own

Lately, I have not been sleeping well. Perhaps it is the heat, or maybe it is something else. I am not sure but I do know that something is wrong. While I was trying to find something to do with myself instead of sleeping, I decided to read through some of my old posts. Reading through them was an interesting experience.

It made me realize several things that I think are very important. I have and continue to struggle with the same issues with God. I have lately been frustrated by this, but looking back at how I felt over the last several years, I came to a realization. Maybe it isn't so bad that I question the things that I do. Through my frustration, and questioning, I have grown. I still do not have answers to all of my questions, but I do not think I am supposed to.

While reading, I also realized something else. I have lost some of my certainty. While I questioned God and Christianity, I still looked to Him for comfort and for my answers. I still trusted that He could get me through any situation and though it may be hard at the time, in the end, I always came out stronger. Over the past year, I have lost that and it makes me sad. I do not know when or why it happened, but I think that is a big part of why I am having a difficult time now.

I have been very encouraged to go back to the best source for my constant desire for knowledge, the Bible. Somehow I forgot how much it can help and encourage me. Reading it now has been enlightening. It is almost like reading it for the first time. In a way, I am. There are things I am beginning to understand that I was not ready or willing to understand before.

Uncertainty has been a constant theme that runs in my life and I found a blog I wrote a little over three years ago about this exact thing. It may sound strange, but I found help and comfort in my own musings from that time. One verse that really helped me at the time and that I still like is the following:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

Psalm 32:8

I get so caught up in worrying about the future and planning, that I forget I am not in control. Sure, I can make all of the plans I want, but in the end, my plans are not what matter. Sometimes, it is okay to now know. As this verse reminds me, God is watching over me and will lead me in the right direction. I just need to let Him.

As i read through one my old posts, I was reminded of one of the most important people I have ever known. I wrote a blog shortly after I lost my best friend, and I completely forgot about it. Reading back through it was difficult. While I do not cry every time I think of my friend anymore, I do still miss him. Over the years, I have forgotten what he taught me. This is what I wrote at the time:

"Marcus taught me a lot of things about life and God while he was still alive. I will never forget him or the love he showed for everyone. Marcus taught me that you could overcome anything. He did and he was amazing. He never complained about his life and I know there was much to complain of. He taught the value of persistence. I may have gotten annoyed at how much he called and bugged me but he helped me through things without me even knowing it. He impacted so many lives although his own was so short.
Marcus taught me that it doesn't matter what you accomplish in school or at work. All that matters in the end is the kind of person you were. What matters is the lives you impacted with your own and whether or not that was in a positive way. I know he affected more people than I will ever know and in such a positive way.
Most importantly, he taught me the value of my faith. He had next to nothing but he had his faith and that was all that mattered. Because of it, he could've accomplished anything. Marcus had such an unshakable trust in God that you knew it wherever he went. He showed the love of God through not only his words but his actions. He didn't care what people thought of him he just did what he knew God was calling him to do."

Every time I read this verse, I think of Marcus:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own

understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He
shall direct your paths."
- Proverbs 3:5,6

Another theme in my life I have noticed is the theme of suffering and pain. At times I struggle with how to deal with this. It has probably been the biggest reason I fight with God. However, I was reminded that while I often view my struggles as a negative, much good can come from them as well.

When we go through hard times and survive them, we become stronger. One painful experience only prepares us for another. God will never put us through anything we cannot handle. I guess that's something we should remember. And when we are suffering, we are not alone. God is always there beside us. Even when we reject him. No matter what, he is always there. He is the only one that no matter what, we can turn to.

No matter how mad you get at God, or how far you walk away from Him, He'll be there at the end of the day. Even when your friends aren't. And I truly believe that God gives us friends to help ease some of the suffering.

There are so many hard things we must experience. From every hard experience, I walk away with new understanding and a bit of growth. I was reminded of Isaiah when I was thinking of this.

Isaiah 40:29-31

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength."

Lastly, I noticed that I tend to write when I am struggling the most. However, this also when I seem to learn the most about myself and about God. It is the times when I am forced to give up all control and turn to God that He is able to teach me. Hopefully I can learn to do this without having to hit rock bottom first.

The more I learn and the more I grow in my relationship with God, the more struggles and temptations that are thrown in my path. Rather than being frustrated and overwhelmed by this, I should take it as a sign that God is doing something in me. I will find joy in my pain and learning in my struggles.

There are two songs that I have been listening to over and over that i think fit nicely with all of this. Both of them are by Sara Groves. She is who I listen to when I need encouragement, or when I am upset. The first is entitled, "It's Going to Be Alright" which I think is self explanatory. The other song is "He's Always Been Faithful" and this is a song that has helped me more than any other song. It can bring me to tears every time I hear it, but in a good way. So here are they lyrics and if you haven't heard it before, you should find it. -

He's Always been Faithful:

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me.

I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand

All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful, He's always been faithful
He's always been faithful to me.