Fear

Fear seems to be permeating my life right now. I am afraid of what may or may not happen, of decisions that have to be made. I am afraid of the silence I cannot seem to break, and the answers I may be missing. I am afraid of of answers to my questions, and the hurt that may accompany them. Mostly, I am afraid of messing everything up.

The last couple of weeks have been hard. Some days I just feel like crying, others I don't know what to feel. At one point, I lost it completely and wanted so badly to give up. The next day, I got an answer that I needed very much.

While this last week has been a lot better, I am starting to slip back into uncertainty and second guessing. I want so badly to be content with where things are at right now, but I cannot help but wonder and worry. God is definitely teaching me patience this semester.

Since school began, I have not been able to sleep past 5 am. When I wake, I feel unsettled and drained. That is why, I pray. Eventually, I feel at peace again and can usually fall back asleep, but it is still taking its toll on me.

I am not sure where God is leading me at the moment and though I ask, I get no answer. I am trusting that no matter the outcome, I will be okay. I may not like how things end, but I trust that it will all work out in the end. That is not to say I will not be hurt through the process.

There is something I do not understand. I have been praying constantly that God would guard my heart as I try and figure my way through my relationships, yet I am afraid it is not working. I feel like I am losing more and more of myself and I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to hope or to run. The more I pray about this, the more I become confused about it.

Every day I have to remind myself that I don't have to be this upset and confused. I don't have to do this alone. While it is hard, I keep handing over my frustration, my confusion and my hurt to God. This is not my situation to control and when I try to, it only gets harder.


No matter how this all works out, I will be okay. I am so very blessed with the people God has placed in my life and they help me get through it all. Without their encouragement and guidance, I may have fallen to pieces weeks ago. For now, I will keep on praying and keep on reading my Bible. The rest is God's to work out, and I find comfort in knowing that even if I do fall apart, He'll put me back together again. He has before, and He can do it again.

Oh life, why are you so complicated?