Summer

Current Struggles:

- inability to write

- loneliness

- tests

- overwhelming doubt

- my faith

Inability to Write:

For the last year or so, I have had a very difficult time writing. As it is now summer, I have much more time to devote to the things I once used to enjoy. One of those is writing. I began writing again on the trip I just took to Europe. It was not a lot but it was a start. For some reason, every time I have gone to write a story or even a blog, I end up staring at the screen watching as the cursor blinks back at me in impatience. And yet, nothing comes.

I used to write short stories all of the time. Mostly about things that have happened to me, or things that I find entertaining. I loved doing it, and I would really like to do it again. This summer I would like to be able to get back into a writing mood. However, this is not something that can be forced so I will have to be patient with myself. Right now, I am still struggling with it.

Loneliness:

As it is summer, I am almost always alone on campus. My roommate goes home on the weekends and even when she is here, I still feel alone most of the time. It is difficult to put into words, but there is very definitely something missing in my life right now. I keep praying that I could understand what it is. At this point I am still unsure. I desperately miss some people in my life. Summer is always very hard.

Tests:

In order to apply for the MAT program, I need to first pass the C-Best as well as the ORELA. I have been putting off taking these two tests for over a year now. Not only because they are expensive to take, but also because I am afraid I will not pass them. One of my biggest fears is failure. I don't like it, and I do not deal with it well. If I don't pass these tests, I will be very disappointed in myself. I can say I am honestly afraid.

Overwhelming doubt:

The past couple of months, I have started to doubt my career path. I very much like to have a plan and be in control of that plan. For reasons that are somewhat hard to explain, I have always been drawn to the teaching profession. I enjoy helping other people and I love being the person that helps someone else reach understanding. I find joy in the success of others. Everyone has always told me I would make a great teacher and it is what I have wanted to do since I was five years old. But what if that is not what God wants me to do?

I have been

so focused on my "plan" my whole life that I have never really been sure that it is what God wants for me. I still enjoy teaching, but I do not enjoy my literature classes as much as when I started college. In fact, I dread them. I feel like that passion has slowly burned out. I do however, enjoy my history classes a great deal. I added on history last year to fill up time and to give me two subject areas that I could teach. Now I find that I enjoy my history classes far more than I ever have my literature classes. Even still, I don't know if that is enough to make me a great teacher. I would never want to teach unless that is what God is calling me to do. It is not fair to myself and more importantly, it is not fair to all of the students I may one day have. I keep praying for guidance, yet I hear nothing.

My Faith:

The overwhelming sense of doubt I feel about much of my life ties in very much to my struggles with my faith. I have always had trust issues with God. I am angry at him for so much and I desperately want to find a sense of peace with God. No matter how much I pray, I still feel like I am getting nowhere. I don't know how to hear God or listen for his guidance. The more I struggle with my faith, the more frustrated I become with everything. Yet for some reason I cannot fully explain, I never give up.

Praying is especially difficult for me because I feel as though I am talking to myself. I have heard that you should talk to God as a friend. That that is what He is supposed to be. The problem is, He doesn't feel like a friend.

Current Joys:

- trip to Europe

- new friends

- old friends

Trip to Europe:

During May, I went with a group from my school on a 3 week trip to Europe. We began in Italy and ended in Germany. Along the way we stopped in France and Switzerland. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Everywhere we went was rich with history and the secrets of years past. It was staggering. I just wish I would have known more about everything I saw.

We focused on events and places that were important in Christianity. At first I was a little hesitant about approaching the trip from this point of view, but I am really glad we did. I learned a lot about things I had only ever briefly studied or thought about. It forced me to take a deeper look at a lot of things. It also opened up the idea of faith and allowed for a lot of profoundly good conversations. Overall, I think it was a very good thing for me.

New Friends:

As apart of this trip, I got to know a lot of people I did not previously know. God put some remarkable people in our group and I am so blessed to have gotten to spend 3 weeks with them. Going into the trip, I was actually really scared. I never do very well with new people, which is why I chose to go on a trip with no one I knew. With the exception of one girl, I didn't really know anyone. I am not particularly proud of this, but I prejudged a lot of the people in our group. I wasn't sure if I would fit in with either of the two groups that seemed to have naturally sprouted.

There were a particular set of people that I thought there was probably no way I would end up being friends with after the trip. They were all nice people, but I just didn't see myself really fitting in with them. I could not have been more wrong in my life. I completely judged these people wrong. It is one of those funny life things where God takes something you think and flips it on its head for the better. There were two particular people that for some reason, I clicked with in a very unique way.

I hardly ever open up to people quickly. Even though it may seem that I am out going and friendly, I really am not. It takes me awhile to warm up to people and to feel comfortable. With these two people, I felt okay to be myself, wether that involved being way too hyper, or extremely withdrawn and quiet. I felt a sense of peace that I do not normally feel with any of my friends. It is difficult to explain, but it was very nice. And it was also exactly what I needed. There were some things I was dealing with or struggling with and wether they knew it or not, the two of them always managed to say just the right thing at the right time. Needless to say, I made a lot of very good friendships on the trip, and I pray they will continue. I think they will be very, very good for me.

I have a weird quirk I guess you could say where I tell people I miss them when they leave, and that I missed them while they were gone. I have no idea why I do this, but I kind of always have. Maybe it is how I show affection on some level for people. Either way, while in Europe, I did this all the time with several people. While it may seem silly and fun, I do mean it. And right now, I miss some of those people a great deal.

Old Friends:

Lately, I have gotten to do a lot of fun things with a group of my best friends. Those that know me well understand what I am talking about when I say my 6-pack. It is 6 of us (Kelsey, Katrina, me, Allison, Mikaela and Samantha) that have all known each other since 7th grade. We have always done things together and they are the people I feel the most comfortable with. I know so much about all of them, and I can safely say, they know way too much about me. :) Since we have all split apart and gone all over for college, it has been a little harder to maintain our friendships.

However, we all still manage to make time for each other. The four of us who are still in Oregon get together more frequently than when all 6 of us do. Even though we all live separate lives in separate places, when we get together, it is as if nothing has changed since high school. That is why I love them so much. We may not call each other frequently or even leave each other messages on facebook, but we are still as close as ever.

As we realized the other day, we have known each other and been friends for almost 10 years now. Its crazy to think about. I am very grateful God put them in my life so many years ago and that we have somehow still managed to stay friends.

Our most recent beach trip: Kelsey, me, Mikaela, and Samantha

I have many more joys in my life, but it would be impossible to put them all down. For now, these three will have to do. And to me, they are the most important.

Cursed

Have you ever felt as though the world is out to get you?

Ever since I was little, my life has been once big secession of things going wrong. When it became my turn, God handed me the hard life baton and sent me off running. Everyone has their fair share of disappointments and bumps in the road but I got stuck with a boulder in my road. My first semester of sophomore year was a total disaster. I was overwhelmed with life, my family, school, work, and my never ending struggle with my faith. When this next semester began, I decided it was going to go better. I thought perhaps, if I sent out my good vibes, or whatever you want to call them, the universe would respond with positivity. Well if you're thinking of trying it, don't bother, it doesn't work. My good vibes came back to mock me. And I can't say I really blame them.

Well, the first two weeks went well. I took an easier load so school wouldn't overwhelm me as much. Things at home were finally starting to go a little better. Sure, my brother is dating someone who needs a lot of help, they have a baby together that I don't get to see, he went to jail, and my dad got diabetes but that just seems to fit into the flow of everything.

Well, today I got a call that really just topped off the beginning of the year. During the arctic blast of 2008, my dad slipped on the ice and wrenched his knee. The same knee he gets gout it and can't take medication for because that would counteract his drugs he takes for his kidney. It's been bothering him and last week he finally went to the doctor. Turns out it's much more than just gout. He went in for an MRI today and in a couple days we'll find out if he needs surgery. Sure why not add just one more thing on top of all of his other problems.

Oh but no, that is not the only thing. My mom got laid off her job today. The job she's worked at since before I can even remember. She was a pastor at my church. In fact, my parents were apart of the group that originally planted our church, helped build it, literally, and have been faithful servants in ever since. Now I have many problems with my church and the leadership but this only just added to that. What really makes me angry about it all is that they not only laid off my mom but a couple other people in the church. They did it counting on the fact that because these are such faithful people, they'd probably do their job for free so that the people they help didn't suffer any.

Even more infuriating is the fact that the last couple of weeks my pastor has been standing in front of the congregation begging for money. There were two services in Decemeber that got missed and because of that, the church didn't make enough money. Rather than praying about it and trusting God to provide, they begged people to give them money which to me shows a huge lack of faith. Then, because that made little difference, they laid people off. But hey, they had money to put in windows in the back of the sanctuary because what the hell, that would be just lovely.

I do not say any of this because I am walking away from my faith or from God. If I were to be truly honest though, I am angry with Him. I know that when hard times come, we are to look to Him for comfort and guidance. We are supposed to trust Him because he has a plan. I know all of that. When your "hard times" never end though, it gets a little harder to put it into practice. I don't understand God's plan for my family or for me and frankly, I don't need to. However, it would be nice to know that there was a reason all of this is happening. That some sort of good would come from a lifetime of bad. Perhaps that's just the wishful part of me.

I struggle daily with bitterness. I could easily allow it to consume my life but I choose not to. That does not mean I don't have my moments, like this one. Most of the time, I choose to remain hopeful. One day it will be used for good. I live and hope for that day and that moment. Until then, all I can do is remain hopeful. Believe me, that is no easy thing. My anger at God will go away and I will remember that amidst all of the horribleness, there is good. For as many negatives in my life, there are an equal number, not more of positives that God has given me. Those are the things that bring me back to God. Those are the things that keep me going.

The Book Thief

Current music obsession: Erin McCarley

Current book: The Book Thief

Current emotion: on the brink of tears

I just finished reading the book thief. It was one of the best books I've read. It tells the story of a young girl during the holocaust. What made the book unique was that it was set from the point of view of the Angel of Death, and surprisingly was not about a Jew.

When I think of WWII an the holocaust, I always think of the persecution and murder of thousands of Jews. I don't picture what happened to the everyday people of Germany or any country in the middle of the war.

I fell in love with Liesel Meminger and the beloved boy with hair the color of lemons. Each page of the book was unique and special. Finding myself at the end, I was sad to find it was over. I hoped more than anything that it would end how I wanted it to. But if it had, it would not have been honest and I don't think I could have truly been satisfied.

I cried through the last couple chapters of this book. Anyone that doesn't missed the point completely. Ironically, the Jew is one of the only people that survives in the end. It was beautifully written and in a style I have not yet encountered before. I hope the next book I read will measure up.

One Week To Survive

Thanksgiving has passed and yet I remain thankful. Holidays have never been a time of joy for me. They bring frustration and the reminder of the brokenness of my family. Now in the midst of school, work and all that life brings, I have become fully aware of what I have. The semester is slowly coming to a close and those projects that once daunted me, are now behind me. It is not fully over yet as I step back and reflect, I see the miraculous feats I have overcome.

By far, this semester was the hardest I have gone through and yet, because of it I have learned so much. I can only hope that the wisdom and knowledge that has been passed down to me from those smarter than myself, will stick.

Fortune has smiled upon me this year or perhaps even before. The people placed in my life are beyond extraordinary. I have three of the most wonderful roommates. I will admit at times I want to drive them to a remote field, leave them and drive back, but I wll never stop loving them. Despite all of my eccentricities and obnoxious ways, they still stick with me. No fights have erupted, few tears have been shed. Between four girls, not much more could be asked for.

Semester marks the end of something and the beginning of another for me. I will become a junior in January and as excited as I am about graduating early, it scares me. My decisions have been made, goals set and in the works yet I still feel a sense of apprehension. The cause is something I have yet to pinpoint. Until I know otherwise, I shall continue on the path laid out in front of me. Not knowing where it leads, I shall follow blindly in faith. In the end, I may be rewarded.

More and more I have become aware that I've become a workaholic. I love being there and look forward to it throughout my day. It is not so much the work that drives me but the people there. To say I do not enjoy what I do would not be true. I love everything about it. Sometimes I wonder if there is something else in store for me. Only patience and time will reveal that.

We are swiftly entering into another holiday season. Along with the festivities once again comes the hardship of dealing with my family. I love them all very much and I suppose that is why I still put up with it all. Every family gathering I sit and am made fun of by my brother, sister and soon to be brother-in-law. Their words and actions hurt more than they understand. They will never know or understand.

Amidst the mess and chaos, one song has calmed and soothed my weary spirit. I don't know why or how but the song "Holy Holy Holy" by Sufjan Stevens has meant a lot in my life these past few days. Its simplicity and beauty inspire within me a sort of awe.

For the first time this semester, I truly believe I will make it. One week remains. I shall conquer.

A Soul Saving Love

This morning I woke up and decided, rather than getting out of bed, I would read. Right now I'm reading a book called "Searching For God Knows What" by Donald Miller. I read his book Blue Like Jazz and loved it so I decided this book might be worth my time. I'm only on the third chapter, but it was this chapter that made me realize something very important.

In this chapter, Miller explains how he decided to renounce God. He flat out told God that He does not exist. While he thought this would gain him a sort of freedom it didn't. You see, Miller was looking for an "identity" at the time. And this is what I first connected with him on.

Many of us find our identity in God. Or at least, the idea of God gives us purpose. I think most people need a way to rationalize the world around them. We need a way to explain why there are trees, people and catastrophic events. Whether it is good or bad, we credit it, or blame it upon God. It brings us comfort to know that there is some magnificent outside force controlling everything. But this is where the problem begins.

We acknowledge this God but we acknowledge Him only to serve our own selfish purposes. We see Him as what Miller liked to describe as "an impersonal god, a god of rules and lists and formulas." The problem with this is that we were created as relational beings.

But this goes back to the idea of searching for an identity. We all have this desire to know who and what we are. We look for confirmation from the people around us. Miller explained that he had always been smart. For him, that was his identity. So when he attended a lecture where the speaker recited poetry and caused every girl in the room to fall in love with him, that is where he decided to seek his identity. He began memorizing poetry and reading. All of this was so that people would think of him as cultured and smart. He explains that he did like reading and he loved the poetry, but the problem was, he was finding his identity through what others were telling him.

Like Miller, I think a lot of us look for our worth in others. We need affirmation and encouragement from those around us. For me this struck a cord. Not one I'm particularly proud of. Too frequently I find my "identity" of sorts through my accomplishments. I've always been the smart one in my family. I got the good grades and did the best in school. My friends know I'm smart and I do well in school. I've found more and more, that I don't try for myself, or for God. I try for the confirmation I receive when I succeed.

While it is nice to have those around you think well of you and to affirm you, I find that that affirmation is never enough. I always need more of it. I guess you could say it's an insecurity of mine. I need to feel important and needed, otherwise I lose my purpose in a way.

Miller connected the two ideas of the need for an identity and the concept of a relational God. Rather than looking at all of the formulas, lists and rules of God, what if we looked past that to the more obvious message of the Bible? I think the motivation behind our theology often times is relational.

My need and the brokenness inside me that causes me to want to be smart in the eyes of others are all driven by relational motives. I want and need other people to value me. But the gospel of Jesus is relevant to that exact need. It just never occurred to me before. Miller stated that "Jesus was always, and I mean always, talking about love, about people, about relationship, and He never once broke anything into lists or formulas." By dissecting and analyzing the Bible, we are missing its blatant message. It is not a self-help guide as we often use it. But rather, it is an invitation. An invitation to know God.

If the gospel of Jesus is relational; that is, if our brokenness will be fixed, not by our understanding of theology, but by God telling us who we are, then this would require a kind of intimacy of which heaven only knows.

This is the way Miller said to think about it: "imagine, a being as great as God's, with feet like trees, and a voice like rushing wind, telling you that you are His cherished creation." This is rather exciting when you really stop to think about it. Earthly love, or rather the stuff I was trying to get by sounding smart, is temporal and slight so that it has to be given again and again in order for us to feel any sense of security; but God's love, God's voice and presence, would instill our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them. And perhaps, that is what the apostles stumbled upon.

All of this is to say; I realized that what I'm looking for is more than just the love of my friends and the importance they give me. I need God's love and confirmation. Without it, I amount to shallow and confused being. How to seek that confirmation is definitely not something that is easy, or that I honestly know how to do. But it is something I hope to be able to discover. And it's also something I hope my friends have already discovered or will come to discover.

It Always Falls to Pieces

Have you ever felt so sure that something was supposed to happen but it never seemed to work out? I hate it. I know it, why doesn't everyone else? Maybe I've just been very wrong for a long time. What I thought God was telling me maybe wasn't what He actually said. But why? Why would all of this happen?

I keep allowing myself to get very hurt. Each time is harder than the last time. And every time, I tell myself I'm done. It won't ever happen again. But then I find myself back here once again. And why? Why do I always end up here? If this is what God wants to happen, why is it so hard? And why does it hurt so much? And if it's what God wants to happen, then why am I the only one that seems to realize it?

I want to give up entirely, but at the same time, I don't know if I should. If I give up, I feel as though I'm ignoring God, but if I don't, I just end up in tears with a broken heart once again.

I feel like I'm being used and walked over. I shouldn't feel this way. Maybe I just want what shouldn't be too badly and that's blinding me from the truth. But even when I prayed against it all, I ended up in the same place. I wanted so badly for all the feelings to go away. For me to be okay, for that overwhelming feeling that this was what God wanted to completely disappear. But it never did. I also prayed that God would give me the answer in a different way. And when I thought that's what happened, a day later it all fell apart again.

It could just be bad timing or perhaps not the right timing. But when will it be? Why won't he just pray about it? And why do I have to be the one who's hurt so badly because he won't pray?
And why can't I hate him?

When it first started, I was furious. I hated him, but even more, I hated myself for letting it happen again. And then I cried. And I prayed. And then I cried even more. But in the midst of my crying I realized something. The person I was mad at the most was God. Why, when I tried so hard to follow God's direction did I end up with my heart in pieces?

And now what do I do? I still feel that that's what's supposed to happen. I believe with all my heart that's where God has been and is still leading me. But I don't want to go. The only thing that following that path has ever brought me is pain. And I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I can't do all of this forever. But as long as I feel that that's what God wants, how do I stop?

He told me to wait. I have waited. And while waiting got me so much farther than I thought it would, it still hasn't gotten me all the way. I just want to know if I'll ever get there. If I knew what was going to happen, I could endure what's happening now a whole lot better. But if it never does, then I just put in a lot of effort for nothing.

It'd be so much easier if I could just hate him. But for some reason, I can't.

Why Do Things Never Make Sense?

I ask but I do not hear. I seek yet I do not find. I keep asking God for answers. I keep asking for help and for guidance. What do I do, what do I say? I don’t know. I can’t hear His answers, and I do not know if it is because I cannot hear them, or if I will not hear them. I want to know why. I want to know the reasons why I am friends with him. Why was I made to care about him. Why do I feel such a desire to help him. I think I mistook my own feelings. I did like him at one point. But now, what I thought was feelings for him was really something else.
I won’t let go of him and I’m scared to lose him. But why am I so scared of it. I tell myself it is one of many possible reasons. I don’t want to be without him. It would be too hard to be without him. I don’t know what I would do.
I’m an idiot. I don’t need him. I can live without him and I will be fine. I did it before. It just seems hard. Yes, I’m going to get hurt. That’s inevitable. But God would not allow me to go through anything I cannot handle. I got through it once, and I was fine. It took me awhile, but I was fine.
When I am hurt, who do I turn to? When things get hard, who do I turn to? When I am happy, who do I turn to? That’s just the problem. I don’t go to the right person. But what happens when the person I go to gets taken away from me? I run to God. I should have been running to God all along. I don’t trust God. I can’t give my life to Him completely. I say I do, but I reserve a little piece for me. I can’t do that. I have to give all of myself up. But how do I do that?
That’s another thing. He hurt me. He hurt me a great deal. And I wanted to forgive him. But I wanted to forgive him for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t over him. I thought I was. I lied to myself. I told myself it wasn’t true. I didn’t like him. He was just my friend. But why did things bother me so much? If he was just my friend and if I didn’t have feelings for him, why was it different with him. My friends didn’t believe me, but I believed me. Or did I? I knew, but I would not admit it to myself, or anyone else.
I didn’t forgive him. I said I had forgiven him, but I did not fully. I’ve been holding on to the hurt. I’ve been using it against him. I’ve allowed anger to build and I’ve slowly been releasing it. When we fight, I let a little more anger show. Or worse, I suppress it. I pretend it’s not there. I’m mad at him but I will not tell him. I need to let go of it completely. What’s done is done. I can’t forgive him, but then want him to be sorry for it. Whether or not he’s sorry isn’t important. What’s important is that I do in fact forgive. And I need to forget.
How do you forget? How do you let go of hurts? You don’t. But God does. And God helps you see those bad things and those hurts as stepping stones on the way to better things. When it happened, yes it felt like my whole life was falling apart. But it wasn’t. That was just one small thing in a bigger picture. And I learned something from it. I learned to run to God. But I forgot it.
When he started talking to me again, I forgot what I had learned. I started going to him again instead of God.
I want to help him so badly but I can’t. That is another thing I have learned. Nothing I say or do has any impact. I’ve been asking God to use me. To use me to speak to him and to help him. I don’t know what he’s going through, and frankly, I don’t think he does either, but God does. So how can I help him? I can’t. But God can use me to help him if that’s what He wants. I may not understand his methodology but I don’t need to. I need to trust that God is in fact using me. Maybe He’s teaching him something. Maybe He’s teaching me something. Or, maybe He’s teaching us both something. Rather than getting upset, angry and hurt, I need to stop for a minute and seek God.
He is going through something right now and God is working in his life. For awhile, that may mean that I am not to be apart of that. What I need to realize is that that is okay. I’m taking it personal. It means he doesn’t care about me. It means I did something wrong, or there is something wrong with me. I’m making it about me and it’s not. It’s about him. I can’t help him if I’m worried about how it’s going to affect me. That’s a very selfish approach.
Whatever God wants to happen is going to happen. And I can resist that if I want to, or I can accept it and be okay with it. I don’t want to fight it. That’s what I’ve been doing for awhile now and it’s only causing more chaos.
I did things wrong last time. I went to my friends for answers and advice. They were not the ones with the answers. God was the one with the answers. I needed to ask Him. But I was afraid. I was afraid that He would take him away from me. And that’s what He did. Then I got mad at God. In my anger I was blinded. It’s taken me several months to try and understand this, but I think it’s finally starting to register.
He asked for a couple of days to figure things out. I need to give it to him. And I can’t get upset and I can’t fight. In my attempt to stay friends I end up fighting with him. By fighting with him I only push him away. I only make things more complicated. I’m causing part of the problem.
When I was asking God to use me, I was getting in the way. I need to not ask God to use me, but I need to ask that God help him. Maybe I can’t help him. God needs to use someone else at this point to help him. But that can’t happen until I let go.
I’ve felt for awhile now that I should stop talking to him. Not permanently necessarily but at least for a couple days. He needs to figure things out, and I need to let him. I didn’t want to do that though. I wanted to talk to him. But I don’t want to talk to him when he doesn’t want to talk to me. And I don’t want to talk to him when all that happens is both of us get frustrated. It’s not fun and it’s not worth it. He won’t not talk to me, so I need to do it.
I let him run things. I let him walk over me because if I didn’t, I thought he might not talk to me. But I was being stupid and ridiculous. So what if he doesn’t talk to me? That doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. I do, very much so, and I always will. But I should not allow the fact that I care about him to be an excuse for him to treat me badly. It only creates more problems and ends up hurting me.
Why he acts that way to me is not my problem, it’s his. It is his thing to work out, and I need to respect that. I want to fix it. I want to understand and to change it. But I can’t. And I shouldn’t allow it to hurt me as much as it does. It bothers me a lot that he needs to be mean to me, and it shouldn’t. I shouldn’t let it. And I’m not going to.

I’ve been asking for understanding and I think I’ve gotten it. Part of my understanding is realizing that I can’t understand. I don’t know God’s overall plan. I don’t know why things happen and that’s okay.

If I end up losing him it’ll be hard. I won’t like it, and I might be angry about it for awhile. And I’m not going to lie, I’ll miss him. But in time I’ll be okay.
And if we stay friends then that’s fine too. I love him as my friend, and as long as God wants us to be friends, I’ll be happy to remain so.

For the first time in months, I feel a sense of peace about things. I still have a long road ahead of me, but I’m excited and a little bit scared to see where it takes me. But I know I won’t be doing it alone.