Why Do Things Never Make Sense?

I ask but I do not hear. I seek yet I do not find. I keep asking God for answers. I keep asking for help and for guidance. What do I do, what do I say? I don’t know. I can’t hear His answers, and I do not know if it is because I cannot hear them, or if I will not hear them. I want to know why. I want to know the reasons why I am friends with him. Why was I made to care about him. Why do I feel such a desire to help him. I think I mistook my own feelings. I did like him at one point. But now, what I thought was feelings for him was really something else.
I won’t let go of him and I’m scared to lose him. But why am I so scared of it. I tell myself it is one of many possible reasons. I don’t want to be without him. It would be too hard to be without him. I don’t know what I would do.
I’m an idiot. I don’t need him. I can live without him and I will be fine. I did it before. It just seems hard. Yes, I’m going to get hurt. That’s inevitable. But God would not allow me to go through anything I cannot handle. I got through it once, and I was fine. It took me awhile, but I was fine.
When I am hurt, who do I turn to? When things get hard, who do I turn to? When I am happy, who do I turn to? That’s just the problem. I don’t go to the right person. But what happens when the person I go to gets taken away from me? I run to God. I should have been running to God all along. I don’t trust God. I can’t give my life to Him completely. I say I do, but I reserve a little piece for me. I can’t do that. I have to give all of myself up. But how do I do that?
That’s another thing. He hurt me. He hurt me a great deal. And I wanted to forgive him. But I wanted to forgive him for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t over him. I thought I was. I lied to myself. I told myself it wasn’t true. I didn’t like him. He was just my friend. But why did things bother me so much? If he was just my friend and if I didn’t have feelings for him, why was it different with him. My friends didn’t believe me, but I believed me. Or did I? I knew, but I would not admit it to myself, or anyone else.
I didn’t forgive him. I said I had forgiven him, but I did not fully. I’ve been holding on to the hurt. I’ve been using it against him. I’ve allowed anger to build and I’ve slowly been releasing it. When we fight, I let a little more anger show. Or worse, I suppress it. I pretend it’s not there. I’m mad at him but I will not tell him. I need to let go of it completely. What’s done is done. I can’t forgive him, but then want him to be sorry for it. Whether or not he’s sorry isn’t important. What’s important is that I do in fact forgive. And I need to forget.
How do you forget? How do you let go of hurts? You don’t. But God does. And God helps you see those bad things and those hurts as stepping stones on the way to better things. When it happened, yes it felt like my whole life was falling apart. But it wasn’t. That was just one small thing in a bigger picture. And I learned something from it. I learned to run to God. But I forgot it.
When he started talking to me again, I forgot what I had learned. I started going to him again instead of God.
I want to help him so badly but I can’t. That is another thing I have learned. Nothing I say or do has any impact. I’ve been asking God to use me. To use me to speak to him and to help him. I don’t know what he’s going through, and frankly, I don’t think he does either, but God does. So how can I help him? I can’t. But God can use me to help him if that’s what He wants. I may not understand his methodology but I don’t need to. I need to trust that God is in fact using me. Maybe He’s teaching him something. Maybe He’s teaching me something. Or, maybe He’s teaching us both something. Rather than getting upset, angry and hurt, I need to stop for a minute and seek God.
He is going through something right now and God is working in his life. For awhile, that may mean that I am not to be apart of that. What I need to realize is that that is okay. I’m taking it personal. It means he doesn’t care about me. It means I did something wrong, or there is something wrong with me. I’m making it about me and it’s not. It’s about him. I can’t help him if I’m worried about how it’s going to affect me. That’s a very selfish approach.
Whatever God wants to happen is going to happen. And I can resist that if I want to, or I can accept it and be okay with it. I don’t want to fight it. That’s what I’ve been doing for awhile now and it’s only causing more chaos.
I did things wrong last time. I went to my friends for answers and advice. They were not the ones with the answers. God was the one with the answers. I needed to ask Him. But I was afraid. I was afraid that He would take him away from me. And that’s what He did. Then I got mad at God. In my anger I was blinded. It’s taken me several months to try and understand this, but I think it’s finally starting to register.
He asked for a couple of days to figure things out. I need to give it to him. And I can’t get upset and I can’t fight. In my attempt to stay friends I end up fighting with him. By fighting with him I only push him away. I only make things more complicated. I’m causing part of the problem.
When I was asking God to use me, I was getting in the way. I need to not ask God to use me, but I need to ask that God help him. Maybe I can’t help him. God needs to use someone else at this point to help him. But that can’t happen until I let go.
I’ve felt for awhile now that I should stop talking to him. Not permanently necessarily but at least for a couple days. He needs to figure things out, and I need to let him. I didn’t want to do that though. I wanted to talk to him. But I don’t want to talk to him when he doesn’t want to talk to me. And I don’t want to talk to him when all that happens is both of us get frustrated. It’s not fun and it’s not worth it. He won’t not talk to me, so I need to do it.
I let him run things. I let him walk over me because if I didn’t, I thought he might not talk to me. But I was being stupid and ridiculous. So what if he doesn’t talk to me? That doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. I do, very much so, and I always will. But I should not allow the fact that I care about him to be an excuse for him to treat me badly. It only creates more problems and ends up hurting me.
Why he acts that way to me is not my problem, it’s his. It is his thing to work out, and I need to respect that. I want to fix it. I want to understand and to change it. But I can’t. And I shouldn’t allow it to hurt me as much as it does. It bothers me a lot that he needs to be mean to me, and it shouldn’t. I shouldn’t let it. And I’m not going to.

I’ve been asking for understanding and I think I’ve gotten it. Part of my understanding is realizing that I can’t understand. I don’t know God’s overall plan. I don’t know why things happen and that’s okay.

If I end up losing him it’ll be hard. I won’t like it, and I might be angry about it for awhile. And I’m not going to lie, I’ll miss him. But in time I’ll be okay.
And if we stay friends then that’s fine too. I love him as my friend, and as long as God wants us to be friends, I’ll be happy to remain so.

For the first time in months, I feel a sense of peace about things. I still have a long road ahead of me, but I’m excited and a little bit scared to see where it takes me. But I know I won’t be doing it alone.

What to Do With Suffering?

Lately a lot of my friends have been going through a lot of things. I worry about them constantly and the Bible tells us not to worry, but for me this is extremely hard. I want so badly to help them and yet I can't. Ultimately it is not I who will help them but God. If God chooses to work through me then I am more than willing to allow him.

I've been up for awhile and searching aimlessly through my Bible for a verse to help. I did find a couple that seem to speak to what I am trying to help people with.

Isaiah 40:29-31
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength."


I think it is important that we place all our trust in the Lord. He is the one who will get us through anything. God tells us to cast all our cares on him for he cares for us (Psalm 55:22) Too many times people forget that they cannot handle anything alone. We fall so that God can pick us back up and remind us of how much we need him.

I also really like Psalm 9:9

"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble."

There's just something about knowing that God is our refuge. He is our stronghold. We are not our stronghold. On our own we will crumble and fall. We do it over and over. Why is it so hard for us to give things over to God? Why can't we let go? I know this is something I constantly struggle with as well. But I hope and pray that I can help my friends to learn to do it.


I don't know what to tell them when they are suffering. I don't have the words or the wisdom to guide them. But I have something amazing. I have God, and He will help me help those that are suffering. This is my prayer.

Just Give It Time

When will it stop hurting? I try so hard to avoid it. I pretend it didn't happen. When my phone rings, I think it's him. I torment myself and I don't know why. I just keep hoping it didn't really happen. I know I should be happy for him. But somehow I can't. I miss him.

Someone sent me this song and while every time I listen to it I cry, it makes me feel better.

Just Give it Time
Jon McLaughlin

Still waters, heavy hearts
Plans we make all fall apart
Disillusioned and lost in the gray
How can we fix the heart when it breaks?
Don't know how much more you can take

Just give it time
It's gonna get better
Now is not forever at all
Just give it time
Everything changes
Tomorrow comes today will be gone
Everything's gonna be fine
Just give it time, give it time

Quiet landslide when nobody knows
Regretted decisions that nobody chose
Under water and sinking fast
No way out, no way to get back
What might have been is lost in the past

When the world you're in is still again
And it all fades out
You've reached the end, begin again now

Thomas Aquinas

Okay so Thomas Aquinas was an medieval writer and you could say philosopher. And during this time, philosophers were starting to become very popular. And so was trying to prove the existence, or the lack of existence of God.

Aquinas wrote something called Summa Theologica in which he used five proofs to try and prove the existence of God, or a supreme being. His proofs really made me look at the idea of God in a different way.

1. The first point is based on the existence of motion. In order for something to be in motion, it must first be set in motion. "Whatever is moved is moved by another; for nothing can be moved except it is in potentiality to that towards which it is moved." So in other words, anything that has to be moved must be moved by something else. In order for something to put something else in motion, it must first be set into motion itself. But if you were to go to the very first thing that was set into motion, what set that into motion? "It is necessary to arrive at a first mover, moved by no other; and this everyone understands to be God."

2. The second is the order of efficient causes. According to Aristotle, the efficient cause is the primary source of change or rest. There's never been a case where something has been it's own efficient cause. It would literally be impossible. Aquinas explains that there is an order to efficient causes. First is the cause of the intermediate cause , and the intermediate is the cause of the ultimate cause. There can be several or only one intermediate cause. If you were to take away the cause of something, then you would also be taking away the effect. So that means that if you were to take away the first cause then there couldn't be an ultimate cause. However, if you were able to go to infinity, there would be no efficient cause, and there would be no ultimate effect or any intermediate efficient causes. And that is all false. So that makes it "necessary to admit a first efficient cause, to which everyone gives the name God".


I'll continue more later. It's a lot to take in but completely amazing at the same time. It makes me appreciate God in a whole new way.

Letting go and understanding

I've read Job several times. And each time I've read it, I've understood a little more of what it was saying. At first I couldn't understand why God would allow so many horrible things to Job. It didn't seem fair at all. Job was faithful to God and loved him.

So then why allow him to be tortured, to lose everything and everyone he cares about?

Some people say it is because God wanted him to prove his devotion to him. God was proving to Satan that Job was going to follow him no matter what Satan did. But I think it was more than just that.

God didn't want to put Job through so many horrible things. And he doesn't desire to make us suffer either. But we learn through our suffering. Sadly, we tend to turn to God only when we are hurting and in need. I know, I do it too. Sometimes we see more of God and understand more when we are going through hard times.

The story of Job taught me something. Not that yes, God will test you, but rather that it's okay when he does. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to suffer. Just as long as you turn to God when during those times. If you trust in God and do not turn from him in anger, you will be blessed. Job trusted in God and never strayed. Because of it, he was blessed twice over.

When we go through hard times and survive them, we become stronger. One painful experience only prepares us for another. God will never put us through anything we cannot handle. I guess that's something we should remember. And when we are suffering, we are not along. God is always there beside us. Even when we reject him or love him. No matter what he is always there. He is the only one that no matter what, we can turn to.

No matter how mad you get at God, or how far you walk away from Him, He'll be there at the end of the day. Even when your friends aren't. And God gives us friends to make life easier.

There are so many hard things we must experience. And friends are there to help us go through them. But a good friend is not only someone that helps you, it is someone you can help as well. We all go through hard things and sometimes your friends need you more than you need them. And that's okay.

Maybe sometimes the best way to help your friends is to be willing to let them go. It is selfish to keep hold of someone when you are causing more harm than you are good. It may not be forever. Someday you may be friends again. And I know letting go is hard. Making the decision to end a friendship is one of the hardest things to do, and following through with it is even harder. But perhaps that is the only way you can help someone. Or even yourself.

My life is a nightmare I can't wake up from

My greatest fear is to lose the people I love.

Today I lost one of the people I care most about.

I feel like my whole world is basically crashing around me right now. I don't think I've ever felt this horrible in my whole life, and i hate it tremendously.

I've spent so much of today crying. And part of what makes it all worse, is that I'm so upset and he isn't. I don't know why, but if he were even just the little bit upset about this, I might feel better. But he doesn't. Life goes one. And I'm left being completely destroyed.

I feel as though part of me has been ripped out. I went through today and tried not to be upset about things, but I couldn't. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I have never cried or hurt so much over someone in my entire life. I made myself sick crying so hard. And I don't know what to do.

I was more upset than I thought I'd be if something like this were to happen. And any time someone talked to me I was start sobbing all over again. I got to the point where I couldn't even breathe. It just makes me so mad that I could feel this horrible over someone. I don't understand any of it.

Right now all I wanna do is sit and cry but at the same time, I wanna talk to him. I want us to be friends. I don't want things to end like this. But I can't do anything about it.

And I don't want to feel like this anymore. But if I keep talking to him I don't know if he'd just end up making me feel like this again.

I want so badly to understand what is going on. I've always thought that everything in our lives happens for a reason. And God brings people into our lives for a purpose. But I can't understand why He brought this guy. At first he seemed to help me get over Marcus. It was easier to be without him because now I had someone else to talk to. But this friendship has hurt me more than losing Marcus hurt me.

I just keep thinking that maybe if I could understand why I met him and why we were able to get close enough for him to be able to hurt me this much, getting over him would be a little easier. What good would possibly come out of this. Or maybe nothing good will come of it.

Either way, I don't want to hurt. I don't want to feel like this. I can't handle it. It's all too hard. And it's only going to get worse. But it's not just about losing him. This is what I'm most afraid of and it's happened. It's like one horrible nightmare I can't escape. And I feel like I'm completely worthless. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't worth anything.

I know these are all lies that are being thrown at me. And I know it's not true. I am not worthless. And God loves me. Right now, the only constant thing in my life is God.

Perhaps that's what I needed to learn. I've relied on other people for so long instead of relying on God. The only way for me to realize that no matter what I did, I was never going find what I was looking for until I looked to God was by having to come to this point in my life. But I wish things weren't so freaking hard for me. If this is a lesson I'm supposed to be learning. It's the most painful lesson ever.

I just want to give up right now. I want all of the pain to go away. I want my best friend back.

Self-centered

Today I got a text message that really woke me up to reality and made me realize how pathetic and selfish I am. My best friends grandmother died today. It was after he told me that I realized everything I've been upset over and stressed over is really not a big deal. I am lucky. There much worse things that could happen to me.
It's sad that it took someone's death for me to realize. Right now, he's going through much worse things than I am. I need to stop dwelling on myself and really be there for him. He may not be ready now to open up about it but when he is I want to be there for him. Right now I don't think everything has sunk in. When it does, he will need someone to talk to. I'd like to hope I can be that person.
I've really been praying about. Praying that God will help me to know what to say to him to make him feel better and give him some comfort. The last thing I want to do is say something stupid that only makes things worse.
I kind of understand some of what he's going through. Since I just lost my friend at the beginning of this year, I know what it is to lose someone you are close to. Although losing your friend is not the same as losing your own flesh and blood. But I can at least understand some of what he's feeling. I'd like to think that God is taking some of my hurt and using it for the good of others.
Right now I am really worried about him. I don't know when things will hit or how but it won't be easy when they do. I know I didn't actually start to accept what had happened until I went to the funeral. It was only then that things hit and I broke down.
It was one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced but I think it was very important to feel. I really hope that he can go through his grieving process and let things out. It's not good to keep things locked inside. It'll only make things worse and someday it'll become too much.
I guess all I can do for now is pray for him and be there if he needs me. I still can't help but be worried about him. I wish there was something more I could do but there really isn't. This is a matter that only God can help with.
Death is a hard concept to deal with and understand. There is a reason why God takes who he takes when he takes them. If we become angry about that, we will not accomplish anything. All we can do is learn to accept it and see the good in it. Perhaps the death of one person will create the life of another.
It's no always fair and it doesn't always make sense but it's for the best. His grandmother is with God in a place that is much better than here. Rather than being sad for her, it'd be better to be happy. That isn't easy of course, but maybe knowing that she is somewhere much better would be a comforting thought.

Tonight I will just continue to pray.