Just Give It Time

When will it stop hurting? I try so hard to avoid it. I pretend it didn't happen. When my phone rings, I think it's him. I torment myself and I don't know why. I just keep hoping it didn't really happen. I know I should be happy for him. But somehow I can't. I miss him.

Someone sent me this song and while every time I listen to it I cry, it makes me feel better.

Just Give it Time
Jon McLaughlin

Still waters, heavy hearts
Plans we make all fall apart
Disillusioned and lost in the gray
How can we fix the heart when it breaks?
Don't know how much more you can take

Just give it time
It's gonna get better
Now is not forever at all
Just give it time
Everything changes
Tomorrow comes today will be gone
Everything's gonna be fine
Just give it time, give it time

Quiet landslide when nobody knows
Regretted decisions that nobody chose
Under water and sinking fast
No way out, no way to get back
What might have been is lost in the past

When the world you're in is still again
And it all fades out
You've reached the end, begin again now

Thomas Aquinas

Okay so Thomas Aquinas was an medieval writer and you could say philosopher. And during this time, philosophers were starting to become very popular. And so was trying to prove the existence, or the lack of existence of God.

Aquinas wrote something called Summa Theologica in which he used five proofs to try and prove the existence of God, or a supreme being. His proofs really made me look at the idea of God in a different way.

1. The first point is based on the existence of motion. In order for something to be in motion, it must first be set in motion. "Whatever is moved is moved by another; for nothing can be moved except it is in potentiality to that towards which it is moved." So in other words, anything that has to be moved must be moved by something else. In order for something to put something else in motion, it must first be set into motion itself. But if you were to go to the very first thing that was set into motion, what set that into motion? "It is necessary to arrive at a first mover, moved by no other; and this everyone understands to be God."

2. The second is the order of efficient causes. According to Aristotle, the efficient cause is the primary source of change or rest. There's never been a case where something has been it's own efficient cause. It would literally be impossible. Aquinas explains that there is an order to efficient causes. First is the cause of the intermediate cause , and the intermediate is the cause of the ultimate cause. There can be several or only one intermediate cause. If you were to take away the cause of something, then you would also be taking away the effect. So that means that if you were to take away the first cause then there couldn't be an ultimate cause. However, if you were able to go to infinity, there would be no efficient cause, and there would be no ultimate effect or any intermediate efficient causes. And that is all false. So that makes it "necessary to admit a first efficient cause, to which everyone gives the name God".


I'll continue more later. It's a lot to take in but completely amazing at the same time. It makes me appreciate God in a whole new way.

Letting go and understanding

I've read Job several times. And each time I've read it, I've understood a little more of what it was saying. At first I couldn't understand why God would allow so many horrible things to Job. It didn't seem fair at all. Job was faithful to God and loved him.

So then why allow him to be tortured, to lose everything and everyone he cares about?

Some people say it is because God wanted him to prove his devotion to him. God was proving to Satan that Job was going to follow him no matter what Satan did. But I think it was more than just that.

God didn't want to put Job through so many horrible things. And he doesn't desire to make us suffer either. But we learn through our suffering. Sadly, we tend to turn to God only when we are hurting and in need. I know, I do it too. Sometimes we see more of God and understand more when we are going through hard times.

The story of Job taught me something. Not that yes, God will test you, but rather that it's okay when he does. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to suffer. Just as long as you turn to God when during those times. If you trust in God and do not turn from him in anger, you will be blessed. Job trusted in God and never strayed. Because of it, he was blessed twice over.

When we go through hard times and survive them, we become stronger. One painful experience only prepares us for another. God will never put us through anything we cannot handle. I guess that's something we should remember. And when we are suffering, we are not along. God is always there beside us. Even when we reject him or love him. No matter what he is always there. He is the only one that no matter what, we can turn to.

No matter how mad you get at God, or how far you walk away from Him, He'll be there at the end of the day. Even when your friends aren't. And God gives us friends to make life easier.

There are so many hard things we must experience. And friends are there to help us go through them. But a good friend is not only someone that helps you, it is someone you can help as well. We all go through hard things and sometimes your friends need you more than you need them. And that's okay.

Maybe sometimes the best way to help your friends is to be willing to let them go. It is selfish to keep hold of someone when you are causing more harm than you are good. It may not be forever. Someday you may be friends again. And I know letting go is hard. Making the decision to end a friendship is one of the hardest things to do, and following through with it is even harder. But perhaps that is the only way you can help someone. Or even yourself.

My life is a nightmare I can't wake up from

My greatest fear is to lose the people I love.

Today I lost one of the people I care most about.

I feel like my whole world is basically crashing around me right now. I don't think I've ever felt this horrible in my whole life, and i hate it tremendously.

I've spent so much of today crying. And part of what makes it all worse, is that I'm so upset and he isn't. I don't know why, but if he were even just the little bit upset about this, I might feel better. But he doesn't. Life goes one. And I'm left being completely destroyed.

I feel as though part of me has been ripped out. I went through today and tried not to be upset about things, but I couldn't. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I have never cried or hurt so much over someone in my entire life. I made myself sick crying so hard. And I don't know what to do.

I was more upset than I thought I'd be if something like this were to happen. And any time someone talked to me I was start sobbing all over again. I got to the point where I couldn't even breathe. It just makes me so mad that I could feel this horrible over someone. I don't understand any of it.

Right now all I wanna do is sit and cry but at the same time, I wanna talk to him. I want us to be friends. I don't want things to end like this. But I can't do anything about it.

And I don't want to feel like this anymore. But if I keep talking to him I don't know if he'd just end up making me feel like this again.

I want so badly to understand what is going on. I've always thought that everything in our lives happens for a reason. And God brings people into our lives for a purpose. But I can't understand why He brought this guy. At first he seemed to help me get over Marcus. It was easier to be without him because now I had someone else to talk to. But this friendship has hurt me more than losing Marcus hurt me.

I just keep thinking that maybe if I could understand why I met him and why we were able to get close enough for him to be able to hurt me this much, getting over him would be a little easier. What good would possibly come out of this. Or maybe nothing good will come of it.

Either way, I don't want to hurt. I don't want to feel like this. I can't handle it. It's all too hard. And it's only going to get worse. But it's not just about losing him. This is what I'm most afraid of and it's happened. It's like one horrible nightmare I can't escape. And I feel like I'm completely worthless. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't worth anything.

I know these are all lies that are being thrown at me. And I know it's not true. I am not worthless. And God loves me. Right now, the only constant thing in my life is God.

Perhaps that's what I needed to learn. I've relied on other people for so long instead of relying on God. The only way for me to realize that no matter what I did, I was never going find what I was looking for until I looked to God was by having to come to this point in my life. But I wish things weren't so freaking hard for me. If this is a lesson I'm supposed to be learning. It's the most painful lesson ever.

I just want to give up right now. I want all of the pain to go away. I want my best friend back.