My life is a nightmare I can't wake up from

My greatest fear is to lose the people I love.

Today I lost one of the people I care most about.

I feel like my whole world is basically crashing around me right now. I don't think I've ever felt this horrible in my whole life, and i hate it tremendously.

I've spent so much of today crying. And part of what makes it all worse, is that I'm so upset and he isn't. I don't know why, but if he were even just the little bit upset about this, I might feel better. But he doesn't. Life goes one. And I'm left being completely destroyed.

I feel as though part of me has been ripped out. I went through today and tried not to be upset about things, but I couldn't. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I have never cried or hurt so much over someone in my entire life. I made myself sick crying so hard. And I don't know what to do.

I was more upset than I thought I'd be if something like this were to happen. And any time someone talked to me I was start sobbing all over again. I got to the point where I couldn't even breathe. It just makes me so mad that I could feel this horrible over someone. I don't understand any of it.

Right now all I wanna do is sit and cry but at the same time, I wanna talk to him. I want us to be friends. I don't want things to end like this. But I can't do anything about it.

And I don't want to feel like this anymore. But if I keep talking to him I don't know if he'd just end up making me feel like this again.

I want so badly to understand what is going on. I've always thought that everything in our lives happens for a reason. And God brings people into our lives for a purpose. But I can't understand why He brought this guy. At first he seemed to help me get over Marcus. It was easier to be without him because now I had someone else to talk to. But this friendship has hurt me more than losing Marcus hurt me.

I just keep thinking that maybe if I could understand why I met him and why we were able to get close enough for him to be able to hurt me this much, getting over him would be a little easier. What good would possibly come out of this. Or maybe nothing good will come of it.

Either way, I don't want to hurt. I don't want to feel like this. I can't handle it. It's all too hard. And it's only going to get worse. But it's not just about losing him. This is what I'm most afraid of and it's happened. It's like one horrible nightmare I can't escape. And I feel like I'm completely worthless. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't worth anything.

I know these are all lies that are being thrown at me. And I know it's not true. I am not worthless. And God loves me. Right now, the only constant thing in my life is God.

Perhaps that's what I needed to learn. I've relied on other people for so long instead of relying on God. The only way for me to realize that no matter what I did, I was never going find what I was looking for until I looked to God was by having to come to this point in my life. But I wish things weren't so freaking hard for me. If this is a lesson I'm supposed to be learning. It's the most painful lesson ever.

I just want to give up right now. I want all of the pain to go away. I want my best friend back.