It Always Falls to Pieces

Have you ever felt so sure that something was supposed to happen but it never seemed to work out? I hate it. I know it, why doesn't everyone else? Maybe I've just been very wrong for a long time. What I thought God was telling me maybe wasn't what He actually said. But why? Why would all of this happen?

I keep allowing myself to get very hurt. Each time is harder than the last time. And every time, I tell myself I'm done. It won't ever happen again. But then I find myself back here once again. And why? Why do I always end up here? If this is what God wants to happen, why is it so hard? And why does it hurt so much? And if it's what God wants to happen, then why am I the only one that seems to realize it?

I want to give up entirely, but at the same time, I don't know if I should. If I give up, I feel as though I'm ignoring God, but if I don't, I just end up in tears with a broken heart once again.

I feel like I'm being used and walked over. I shouldn't feel this way. Maybe I just want what shouldn't be too badly and that's blinding me from the truth. But even when I prayed against it all, I ended up in the same place. I wanted so badly for all the feelings to go away. For me to be okay, for that overwhelming feeling that this was what God wanted to completely disappear. But it never did. I also prayed that God would give me the answer in a different way. And when I thought that's what happened, a day later it all fell apart again.

It could just be bad timing or perhaps not the right timing. But when will it be? Why won't he just pray about it? And why do I have to be the one who's hurt so badly because he won't pray?
And why can't I hate him?

When it first started, I was furious. I hated him, but even more, I hated myself for letting it happen again. And then I cried. And I prayed. And then I cried even more. But in the midst of my crying I realized something. The person I was mad at the most was God. Why, when I tried so hard to follow God's direction did I end up with my heart in pieces?

And now what do I do? I still feel that that's what's supposed to happen. I believe with all my heart that's where God has been and is still leading me. But I don't want to go. The only thing that following that path has ever brought me is pain. And I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I can't do all of this forever. But as long as I feel that that's what God wants, how do I stop?

He told me to wait. I have waited. And while waiting got me so much farther than I thought it would, it still hasn't gotten me all the way. I just want to know if I'll ever get there. If I knew what was going to happen, I could endure what's happening now a whole lot better. But if it never does, then I just put in a lot of effort for nothing.

It'd be so much easier if I could just hate him. But for some reason, I can't.