Physicals, Holes and Pant Legs

I am good at creating awkward moments. I know this, my friends know this, everyone knows this.

Well, today I did it again.

This is really two stories. One that began almost a year ago. Another that started a week ago.

Flash back to a year ago while at work. I am sitting at the front desk of my office along with Kaylene, one of the girls I work with. My "boss" James is standing at my desk talking about who knows what. Probably about how asparagus makes your pee smell funny. I say "boss" because while he is the associate director of my department, he spends most of his time standing around the office eating chips and telling weird stories. Oh yes, and trying to get me to eat weird things like tiny fish that still have EYES! Gross. (Yes, I did eat it. It was crunchy and tasted like fish food).

While he is distracting me from trying to get anything done, a guy walks up to my desk and asks me how to get to the place where they do physicals. James walks away from my desk and towards the back of the office so I can help the student. I stare at the guy awkardly at which point he adds in that he needs a physical for sports. I realize what he wants is health and counseling which is like our medical clinic on campus. I have two options, I could attempt to explain to him how to get there, or send him to information so they can explain it. Information is about 5 feet from my desk, and I am AWFUL at giving people directions so I tell him to go to information.

Kaylene, who is still sitting next to me, then tells me, "you know, I could have explained it to him." I stare at her, and then at the guy who has now walked away from my desk and then say, "Oh well!"

As soon as the guy has left my desk, my boss comes sprinting across the office back towards me and then leans over the counter on my desk and attempts to whisper at me, "What's that guys name?"

I look at him incredulously and tell him I have no idea. He asks me if his name is (insert random name here since I no longer remember what it is). Now I give him a look that says, seriously? Because, no, I didn't just say, I have no idea who he is. Wait, I did. James then continues to try and convince me to shout out this random name and see if he will turn around. I tell him heck no, but he runs away from my desk, cups his hands around his mouth and whisper shouts at me "Do it!"

I turn away from him and ignore him. about 3 minutes pass and the guy is still standing in front of the information desk waiting to be helped because the lady who is at the desk has been on the phone the entire time. Feeling bad for making the poor guy wait when I actually could answer his question, I tell him to come back and we'll explain how to get there. By we, I mean Kaylene will because my direction giving skills had not improved in the last 5 minutes.

Kaylene explained how to get there and the guy started to walk away. After he had taken about 2 steps away from my desk I shouted after him "Wait!" When he turned and looked at me, I asked him what his name was. He told me it was Omar. I said thanks, and then went back to typing on my computer. He stared at me for a second, and then continued to walk away.

As soon as he was out the door, one of the ladies I work with said, "well that wasn't creepy or anything. That poor boy probably thought you were hitting on him."

She had a point.

By the way, it wasn't who James thought it was.

Flash forward to today. A guy walks into the office. I am sitting at the front desk and so is Kaylene. A guy walks up to the front desk and asks me a question about his financial aid package and why he doesn't have one. Kaylene starts talking to him while I look it up and try to figure it out. After some investigating and frantic running all over the office, we finally figure out the problem and get everything all fixed. The guy asks me my name and the three of us chat for a little it. Then, as the guy is walking away, Kaylene says to him bye Omar.

Okay I definitely read his name before that moment, and he had even said it before then, but it wasn't until Kaylene said it that it registered. Wait! this is the guy I was totally creepy to a year ago. Well that's weird. Lucky for me, my totally weird and slightly stalkerish behavior is not that memorable.

Which brings us to the second story.

A guy comes into the office last week and wants to know about setting up a payment plan. Of course, that is the one thing I cannot actually help with and the person he needs to talk with is out of the office. So I tell him to come back the next day and try again.

Next day - he comes back and once again, the person he needs is not there. Okay so now he's thinking either this girl just secretly wants to see me, or she is absolutely unhelpful. Yeah, it's probably a combination.

This took place for the next couple of days, him coming in, me being totally unhelpful and no one being there who needed to be there. Either way, we had random little conversations every day he stopped in.

Today he came in again and walks up to my desk. The first thing he says to me with a smile is, "are you here every day?" to which i tilt my head in contemplation and respond, "yep, pretty much."

Then I realized that the lady he needed to talk to was actually in today and proceeded to get very excited to the point where I was no longer forming coherent sentences. After a slight amount of effort, I ended up getting him to the right person whose desk just so happens to be RIGHT next to mine. He was sitting at her desk waiting for her to grab something when I got up from my desk and went to go do something. I made it about 3 steps before tripping and looking like a total idiot. I stood up and laughed at myself, because I am seriously clumsy. He was watching me and was also laughing at me. As I walked past him, he whispered to me, "Don't worry, you were totally graceful and no one was watching." I laughed at him and kept walking.

A few minutes later, back at my desk, I was having a melt down. I tend to get super ADD at work and I have so many projects I am trying to work on that I can't focus on anything and I end up staring off into space. I was having one of those moments. I was also hyper and talking really quickly to Kaylene about my recent moment of confusion and panic. My meltdown was complete with me smashing my head on my desk and wild, frantic hand motions.

Once again, the guy was still there and watching all of this occur. It was official, he thought I was crazy.

I also have this terrible habit of asking people really random questions at strange inopportune moments. So while he was filling something out, I had to walk past him and he had a hole in his pant leg. I wanted to know why. I do not feel like that is unreasonable. Looking back on it, I probably should not have asked him about it if I was going to at all make him think I was not insane. But hey, why not dig myself into a bigger hole. I asked. He told me had more than one hole. He also had two at the bottom where his feet stuck out. He avoided my question, but I was entertained so I let it slide.

Eventually he left and he had to walk around my desk to do so. By then I was focusing on my computer screen trying to be normal and stop shouting in the middle of a quiet office. As he passed by, he stopped and told me to stop playing solitaire and get back to work. Then he smiled and left.

Why do I always have to act crazy around the cute ones. :/ Right. I do that around everyone.

And just in case you were wondering, the guy that came in with one pant leg rolled up. Yes I did ask him why. And yes, he did tell me it's because he was riding his bike. Now you know.

Clocks and Keys

There are those moments in life where sometimes you just have to stop, take a step back and say to yourself, "why does my life feel a horrible teen movie?"

Okay well maybe you don't have those moments, but lately, I've been having them frequently. Maybe it's all the Disney movies I secretly watch (Camp Rock 2 was terrible by the way) or all of the teen books I read. Who knows. At any rate, I keep stumbling into these awkward moments where I look like a complete idiot.

Here is today's example:

I was sitting in my adorable little desk, waiting impatiently the ten minutes it was going to take before class would start when one of the guys in my class walks in. He sits in the row behind me, and one over (the same place he always sits). I have never really talked to him before nor do I really know his name, but there's sun out today and I can't really sit still.

I'm sitting sideways, my feet propped up on the desk next to me. Around my neck is my brand new (and gorgeous I might add) clock necklace. I have a strange fascination with clocks as jewelry. Anyway, I was playing with it in my hand and this guy (we shall name him NBBM - nameless boy behind me) asks me, "Does your clock actually work?"

I got excited, because yes, yes it does work! It's pretty and functional, heck yes it is freaking awesome. We start talking about jewelry and I tell him about my strange fascination with clocks as jewelry. Why not.

Then he tells me, you also like keys don't you? And I say yes! I love old fashioned keys!

About the time he's telling me about this random collection of old fashion keys his family has, it dawns on me, how the heck does this random guy I've never really talked to know I like old fashioned keys? This is creepy. Who is this guy? How could he possibly know this? Unless that was the most amazing random guess that has ever occurred, there is something shifty going on here.

Class starts, and our conversation ends, we move on. Or do we???

Okay he probably does, but I don't! I spend the rest of the class not paying attention but instead focusing on the fact that he may in fact be an axe murderer who has been stalking me the entire semester and even gone so far as to take a class with me so he could plot how he would murder me! I glanced back at him periodically throughout class, giving him a suspicious glare. I even made sure he left the classroom before me so he couldn't follow me! I was on to him....

It was not until almost 2 hours later while at work that this happened -

I was showing my wonderful new necklace to one of the ladies I work with because anytime I get something new, I always have show and tell at work! She was oohing and aahing over my necklace and then commented how it matched my key earrings so well because both are made out of a coppery, distressed, antique looking gold. We talk about jewelry and where I got my necklace and earrings and then I go back to my desk to work.

As I am typing something all the sudden I realize - KEY EARRINGS! Holy marshmallow on a stick! I have been wearing my key earrings all day long.

NBBM was in fact not creepy, a stalker, or a murderer. No, he was just observant. I on the other hand am apparently deranged. And I am pretty sure he would agree with me.

Now I feel like an idiot. Good job me.

Lesson for today: Don't forget what earrings you have on. It could save you two hours of your life.

He's Not Finished With Me Yet

I have an overwhelming urge to write lately, yet I can't sort out any of my thoughts. I seem to be so incredibly scattered. Most times, I process out loud when I talk with someone, or often, in writing. Processing with other people has gotten me into trouble lately, or has been taken the wrong way so I have been avoiding that.

I have noticed myself pulling away from people lately. I know exactly why I am and I don't know what to do. My irrational side wants to cut people out completely, but my practical side knows I shouldn't. What do you do when you begin to resent the most important people in your life? I hate how I feel yet I don't want to let go. I'm fighting with myself and with God. It's a fight I know I'm going to lose.

I am afraid of being hurt so I push people away. But I am deathly scared that when I push people away, they won't come back.

Letting people in is extremely hard, and I don't like doing it. At the same time, the people I do let in, I am extremely open with, which may or may not be a good thing. I jump into my friendships full force, and am taken aback when other people do not. That has been one of my biggest frustrations this last year with a couple of different people. In some aspect, it has been good for me. I rely too much on other people and not enough on God.

I keep asking myself why it is so easy for me to jump full force into friendships with people, yet, I struggle and fight with myself to let God in. A long time ago, I stopped trusting God. I don't know exactly when or why, but it has been one of my hardest obstacles to overcome. I want to let God in so badly, and at the same time, I push Him away.

More than ever, I have been trying to overcome this. Though I have had little success, I am determined to stick with it. The last couple of weeks, I have been looking at my motivation. Why do I want to get closer to God? Why do I read my Bible? Why do I pray?

I know what my answers should be.

Right now, I am reading through the Psalms. It's been frustrating and enjoyable at the same time. I don't always understand them but I do admire the passion that most of them are written with. That is something I lack and do not know how to find. I do not know how to love God so completely and passionately. Is that something you learn or are born with?

I remember in junior high being so frustrated when I would talk to people at youth group that you could tell were excited about God and had only recently become a Christian. I thought it wasn't fair. I had been a Christian all my life. I had grown up at church and read my Bible, but I never felt that way. I never had that same excitement they had. I remember feeling broken and is if something were wrong with me.

That is the first time I started to give up on God. I was angry and confused. I continued to run into situations and circumstances where I felt frustrated for many of the same reasons I wanted to give up. I don't know why, but I never fully did.

Even though I have a long way to go still, I know that even through my frustration and struggling, God is working in me. My motivations and passions have been slowly changing. I also realized something important. I keep comparing myself to other people and their relationships to God. I can't do that. No one else's relationship with God matters. What matters is mine and building and repairing it.

I have no idea how to do that, but God keeps helping me along. It's a long, slow and frustrating process, but I want to stick with it. I feel like God is preparing me for things. Things I never imagined or expected. I am scared and excited. I know He will never give me anything I cannot handle.

With my grad applications due in a few days, I have been having a difficult time with the future. I stress about everything. It is a terrible habit and one I am working on. I began to fear that I would not get in to the MAT program. It was apart of my plan, the idea of not getting in was never an option. I always just assumed I would. Everything else on my plan had always worked out.

With the fear of not getting into grad school came a whole new set of fears. I have always known I wanted to teach. For all of my life, I had attributed that desire to being part of what God wanted for me. I never questioned it or really asked what God wanted me to do with my life. I just knew. But what if I was wrong? What if what i wanted had overshadowed what God wanted for me. I spent several days reanalyzing my entire life and all of my decisions. Before I knew it, I was having a complete life crisis for no reason.

God made me a teacher. He has made that clear since I was little. That is why I wanted to be a teacher. All of my giftings and desires have been for teaching. God has been preparing me for the last 21 years to be a teacher. If I was ever sure about anything in my entire life, it has been that God has called me to teach. Anytime I have doubted that, God has always reassured me. Many times that has been in the form of other people. Several people in my life have told me I would make an amazing teacher. sometimes these are people I know well and sometimes they are people I have never met. Recently, a sort of new friend of mine randomly told me he thought I would make a good teacher. I didn't really pay any attention to his comments at the time, but as I was going through my meltdown, his words came back to me while I was praying. It made me laugh, and cry. I pray so hard that God would give me answers, and when he does, I don't even realize it. He's got it all taken care of before I even ask. I do not need to worry about things. One of my friends reminded me of that recently when he quoted a passage that I keep coming back to -

"Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day."

Matthew 6:31-34


Stressing about grad school will get me absolutely nowhere. I know God wants me to teach, and He will help me make it happen. If that means I get into grad school at Fox, then so be it. If I do not get in, then I know God has something different planned for me, and though it may not be what I want, it will be what I need.

Graduation is where my knowledge of God's plan stops and the unknown of God's plan begins.

I don't know what I will be doing with my life, or what people I will be able to rely on come May, but I know God won't leave me hanging. He always provides when I need Him to.


Lately there are two songs that sum up what I'm going through.

Carry Me - Audrey Assad



Wait and See - Brandon Heath