I have an overwhelming urge to write lately, yet I can't sort out any of my thoughts. I seem to be so incredibly scattered. Most times, I process out loud when I talk with someone, or often, in writing. Processing with other people has gotten me into trouble lately, or has been taken the wrong way so I have been avoiding that.
I have noticed myself pulling away from people lately. I know exactly why I am and I don't know what to do. My irrational side wants to cut people out completely, but my practical side knows I shouldn't. What do you do when you begin to resent the most important people in your life? I hate how I feel yet I don't want to let go. I'm fighting with myself and with God. It's a fight I know I'm going to lose.
I am afraid of being hurt so I push people away. But I am deathly scared that when I push people away, they won't come back.
Letting people in is extremely hard, and I don't like doing it. At the same time, the people I do let in, I am extremely open with, which may or may not be a good thing. I jump into my friendships full force, and am taken aback when other people do not. That has been one of my biggest frustrations this last year with a couple of different people. In some aspect, it has been good for me. I rely too much on other people and not enough on God.
I keep asking myself why it is so easy for me to jump full force into friendships with people, yet, I struggle and fight with myself to let God in. A long time ago, I stopped trusting God. I don't know exactly when or why, but it has been one of my hardest obstacles to overcome. I want to let God in so badly, and at the same time, I push Him away.
More than ever, I have been trying to overcome this. Though I have had little success, I am determined to stick with it. The last couple of weeks, I have been looking at my motivation. Why do I want to get closer to God? Why do I read my Bible? Why do I pray?
I know what my answers should be.
Right now, I am reading through the Psalms. It's been frustrating and enjoyable at the same time. I don't always understand them but I do admire the passion that most of them are written with. That is something I lack and do not know how to find. I do not know how to love God so completely and passionately. Is that something you learn or are born with?
I remember in junior high being so frustrated when I would talk to people at youth group that you could tell were excited about God and had only recently become a Christian. I thought it wasn't fair. I had been a Christian all my life. I had grown up at church and read my Bible, but I never felt that way. I never had that same excitement they had. I remember feeling broken and is if something were wrong with me.
That is the first time I started to give up on God. I was angry and confused. I continued to run into situations and circumstances where I felt frustrated for many of the same reasons I wanted to give up. I don't know why, but I never fully did.
Even though I have a long way to go still, I know that even through my frustration and struggling, God is working in me. My motivations and passions have been slowly changing. I also realized something important. I keep comparing myself to other people and their relationships to God. I can't do that. No one else's relationship with God matters. What matters is mine and building and repairing it.
I have no idea how to do that, but God keeps helping me along. It's a long, slow and frustrating process, but I want to stick with it. I feel like God is preparing me for things. Things I never imagined or expected. I am scared and excited. I know He will never give me anything I cannot handle.
With my grad applications due in a few days, I have been having a difficult time with the future. I stress about everything. It is a terrible habit and one I am working on. I began to fear that I would not get in to the MAT program. It was apart of my plan, the idea of not getting in was never an option. I always just assumed I would. Everything else on my plan had always worked out.
With the fear of not getting into grad school came a whole new set of fears. I have always known I wanted to teach. For all of my life, I had attributed that desire to being part of what God wanted for me. I never questioned it or really asked what God wanted me to do with my life. I just knew. But what if I was wrong? What if what i wanted had overshadowed what God wanted for me. I spent several days reanalyzing my entire life and all of my decisions. Before I knew it, I was having a complete life crisis for no reason.
God made me a teacher. He has made that clear since I was little. That is why I wanted to be a teacher. All of my giftings and desires have been for teaching. God has been preparing me for the last 21 years to be a teacher. If I was ever sure about anything in my entire life, it has been that God has called me to teach. Anytime I have doubted that, God has always reassured me. Many times that has been in the form of other people. Several people in my life have told me I would make an amazing teacher. sometimes these are people I know well and sometimes they are people I have never met. Recently, a sort of new friend of mine randomly told me he thought I would make a good teacher. I didn't really pay any attention to his comments at the time, but as I was going through my meltdown, his words came back to me while I was praying. It made me laugh, and cry. I pray so hard that God would give me answers, and when he does, I don't even realize it. He's got it all taken care of before I even ask. I do not need to worry about things. One of my friends reminded me of that recently when he quoted a passage that I keep coming back to -
"Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day."
Matthew 6:31-34
Stressing about grad school will get me absolutely nowhere. I know God wants me to teach, and He will help me make it happen. If that means I get into grad school at Fox, then so be it. If I do not get in, then I know God has something different planned for me, and though it may not be what I want, it will be what I need.
Graduation is where my knowledge of God's plan stops and the unknown of God's plan begins.
I don't know what I will be doing with my life, or what people I will be able to rely on come May, but I know God won't leave me hanging. He always provides when I need Him to.
Lately there are two songs that sum up what I'm going through.
Carry Me - Audrey Assad
Wait and See - Brandon Heath
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