Of June

Current Struggles:
- loneliness
- confusion

- my faith

Loneliness:

I am glad to say that in many ways, this has gotten much better. I have been able to talk to one of my friends almost every day pretty much and that is always very encouraging. Plus I have gotten to spend a lot more time with another of my friends. She's spent almost every night at my apartment for the last two weeks watching a ridiculous tv show with me. All of this has helped very much with the feeling of loneliness, however, it is still something I feel. Especially now that I am alone for the weekend.

Confusion:

There are a great many things that have me confused as of late. I recently have had some issues with one of my friendships that I don't know what to do about. I was finally honest with them in a way I haven't been able to before, but ever since I returned from Europe, our friendship just hasn't been quite right. I feel in many ways it has been tearing me down more than it has been building me up. It reminds me of Proverbs 12:26 - "A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray." That is not to say that my friend is wicked, but when I hang out with her, I am around a lot more swearing and drinking. I have always chosen my friends carefully and it is not easy for me to get close to people. But perhaps certain friendships are only meant to last a season, and lately, I have seen different friendships replace some old ones for the better. I don't know what I should do at this point. I do not like hurting people and I know that has already happened. At the same time, I am trying really hard to get my life on track for once.

There is also another issue I am confused about, but for now, I will leave that one be and just continue to pray about it. If God wants it to happen, it will.

My Faith:

As always, this is a still a struggle I am dealing with. However, an amazing thing happened the other day. My biggest problem is that I have always felt a disconnect from God. I feel as though I search for Him, but never find Him. As I was talking to someone, they quoted Deuteronomy 4:29 to me which says, "But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul." At the time I did not think much of it.

A few days letter I received a letter from another friend and in it, he quoted the same exact verse to me. I don't remember why or even what he said about it, but the moment I read it again, it hit me really hard.

It was as if God was using these two people and this one verse to get my attention I did not hear God the first time, but the second time, He got my undivided attention. It was as if God was telling me to keep looking for him, because eventually I would find Him. So that is precisely what I am doing. Seeking God with all of my heart and all of my soul. and I have been starting that by grounding myself in the word. Something I have needed to do for a long time but haven't. With every passage I read, I am learning more and I am encouraged more.

Current Joys:

- Friends

- Fourth of July

- Letters

- Writing

- Reading

Friends:

My friends are a constant source of joy to me. Some more than others at times, but I love all of them and am incredibly grateful that God has blessed me with such wonderful people. I have a lot of people that I consider to be my friends, but there are only a handful of people that I consider to be my close friends. I have seen God use them to work in my life in amazing ways these last couple of months and every time I am blown away.

This last weekend I was very excited when I got a phone call from someone I haven't talked to in months. I had, had to work that Saturday and was not excited to go back to my empty apartment so her phone call was exactly what I needed. Through talking to her, and seeing how supportive and enthusiastic she was for me about some things that have been happening in my life, I realized just how lucky I was to have her and how much I missed her. Over the last 9 or so years, she has been the person that is always there for me no matter what. She let me drag her anywhere, and was always willing to talk about whatever relationship mess I had gotten myself into at the time. It was so nice to be able to talk to her once again. Now I just wish she wasn't all the way in Minnesota.

Fourth of July:

I will make this one short. On Friday, I get to go to the beach with 4 of the 6 of my 6-pack for the entire weekend. I am SUPER excited and it will be amazing! I love these girls a heck of a lot. :)

Letters:

This has been and will continue to be a HUGE joy in my life. Anyone that knows me at all, should know by now just how excited I have been about this all summer ( I'm pretty sure I tell absolutely everyone, even people I don't know) I love letters! Just ask anyone who has seen my find one in my mailbox. :) This summer I have gotten the wonderful blessing of having a pen pal! A real live one that I know! That is something that I have ALWAYS wanted and I finally got one. In a way, I actually have two. Two of my friends have been sending letters and back and forth with me this summer and it has been a lot of fun. It has given me an outlet to share a lot of things I have needed to, as well as get to learn more about the people who write me. And I always manage to get my letters on the days that I need them the most.

Writing:

Previously this has been a struggle for me, but as of this last week, I am officially writing again. While looking for something on my computer, I came across a story that I had started my freshman year of college. I had written about 15 or so pages of it before and I did not remember it all. I read it out loud to my roommate and we both laughed at how ridiculous it was. When I finished reading it, she told me I should finish it, so that's what I decided to do. After a lot of rewriting of what I originally had, and a lot of additions, I am now on page 23. Hopefully I can finish it up soon. I am very happy to be writing again.

Reading:

One of the things I enjoy the most in my life is reading. During the school year, I pretty much do nothing but read, so by the summer, I am somewhat burnt out. However, the summer is the only time I have for reading fun books that I want to read. I have already finished quite a few books this summer and went to the library and picked up a few more. Next on my list is Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller, The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis, and a bunch of short stories by Flannery O'Conner. These are just a few, and my list of things I want to read is ever increasing. Luckily, I have very little to do this summer other than read, so it shouldn't be hard to make a big dent in my list. :)