Summer

Current Struggles:

- inability to write

- loneliness

- tests

- overwhelming doubt

- my faith

Inability to Write:

For the last year or so, I have had a very difficult time writing. As it is now summer, I have much more time to devote to the things I once used to enjoy. One of those is writing. I began writing again on the trip I just took to Europe. It was not a lot but it was a start. For some reason, every time I have gone to write a story or even a blog, I end up staring at the screen watching as the cursor blinks back at me in impatience. And yet, nothing comes.

I used to write short stories all of the time. Mostly about things that have happened to me, or things that I find entertaining. I loved doing it, and I would really like to do it again. This summer I would like to be able to get back into a writing mood. However, this is not something that can be forced so I will have to be patient with myself. Right now, I am still struggling with it.

Loneliness:

As it is summer, I am almost always alone on campus. My roommate goes home on the weekends and even when she is here, I still feel alone most of the time. It is difficult to put into words, but there is very definitely something missing in my life right now. I keep praying that I could understand what it is. At this point I am still unsure. I desperately miss some people in my life. Summer is always very hard.

Tests:

In order to apply for the MAT program, I need to first pass the C-Best as well as the ORELA. I have been putting off taking these two tests for over a year now. Not only because they are expensive to take, but also because I am afraid I will not pass them. One of my biggest fears is failure. I don't like it, and I do not deal with it well. If I don't pass these tests, I will be very disappointed in myself. I can say I am honestly afraid.

Overwhelming doubt:

The past couple of months, I have started to doubt my career path. I very much like to have a plan and be in control of that plan. For reasons that are somewhat hard to explain, I have always been drawn to the teaching profession. I enjoy helping other people and I love being the person that helps someone else reach understanding. I find joy in the success of others. Everyone has always told me I would make a great teacher and it is what I have wanted to do since I was five years old. But what if that is not what God wants me to do?

I have been

so focused on my "plan" my whole life that I have never really been sure that it is what God wants for me. I still enjoy teaching, but I do not enjoy my literature classes as much as when I started college. In fact, I dread them. I feel like that passion has slowly burned out. I do however, enjoy my history classes a great deal. I added on history last year to fill up time and to give me two subject areas that I could teach. Now I find that I enjoy my history classes far more than I ever have my literature classes. Even still, I don't know if that is enough to make me a great teacher. I would never want to teach unless that is what God is calling me to do. It is not fair to myself and more importantly, it is not fair to all of the students I may one day have. I keep praying for guidance, yet I hear nothing.

My Faith:

The overwhelming sense of doubt I feel about much of my life ties in very much to my struggles with my faith. I have always had trust issues with God. I am angry at him for so much and I desperately want to find a sense of peace with God. No matter how much I pray, I still feel like I am getting nowhere. I don't know how to hear God or listen for his guidance. The more I struggle with my faith, the more frustrated I become with everything. Yet for some reason I cannot fully explain, I never give up.

Praying is especially difficult for me because I feel as though I am talking to myself. I have heard that you should talk to God as a friend. That that is what He is supposed to be. The problem is, He doesn't feel like a friend.

Current Joys:

- trip to Europe

- new friends

- old friends

Trip to Europe:

During May, I went with a group from my school on a 3 week trip to Europe. We began in Italy and ended in Germany. Along the way we stopped in France and Switzerland. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Everywhere we went was rich with history and the secrets of years past. It was staggering. I just wish I would have known more about everything I saw.

We focused on events and places that were important in Christianity. At first I was a little hesitant about approaching the trip from this point of view, but I am really glad we did. I learned a lot about things I had only ever briefly studied or thought about. It forced me to take a deeper look at a lot of things. It also opened up the idea of faith and allowed for a lot of profoundly good conversations. Overall, I think it was a very good thing for me.

New Friends:

As apart of this trip, I got to know a lot of people I did not previously know. God put some remarkable people in our group and I am so blessed to have gotten to spend 3 weeks with them. Going into the trip, I was actually really scared. I never do very well with new people, which is why I chose to go on a trip with no one I knew. With the exception of one girl, I didn't really know anyone. I am not particularly proud of this, but I prejudged a lot of the people in our group. I wasn't sure if I would fit in with either of the two groups that seemed to have naturally sprouted.

There were a particular set of people that I thought there was probably no way I would end up being friends with after the trip. They were all nice people, but I just didn't see myself really fitting in with them. I could not have been more wrong in my life. I completely judged these people wrong. It is one of those funny life things where God takes something you think and flips it on its head for the better. There were two particular people that for some reason, I clicked with in a very unique way.

I hardly ever open up to people quickly. Even though it may seem that I am out going and friendly, I really am not. It takes me awhile to warm up to people and to feel comfortable. With these two people, I felt okay to be myself, wether that involved being way too hyper, or extremely withdrawn and quiet. I felt a sense of peace that I do not normally feel with any of my friends. It is difficult to explain, but it was very nice. And it was also exactly what I needed. There were some things I was dealing with or struggling with and wether they knew it or not, the two of them always managed to say just the right thing at the right time. Needless to say, I made a lot of very good friendships on the trip, and I pray they will continue. I think they will be very, very good for me.

I have a weird quirk I guess you could say where I tell people I miss them when they leave, and that I missed them while they were gone. I have no idea why I do this, but I kind of always have. Maybe it is how I show affection on some level for people. Either way, while in Europe, I did this all the time with several people. While it may seem silly and fun, I do mean it. And right now, I miss some of those people a great deal.

Old Friends:

Lately, I have gotten to do a lot of fun things with a group of my best friends. Those that know me well understand what I am talking about when I say my 6-pack. It is 6 of us (Kelsey, Katrina, me, Allison, Mikaela and Samantha) that have all known each other since 7th grade. We have always done things together and they are the people I feel the most comfortable with. I know so much about all of them, and I can safely say, they know way too much about me. :) Since we have all split apart and gone all over for college, it has been a little harder to maintain our friendships.

However, we all still manage to make time for each other. The four of us who are still in Oregon get together more frequently than when all 6 of us do. Even though we all live separate lives in separate places, when we get together, it is as if nothing has changed since high school. That is why I love them so much. We may not call each other frequently or even leave each other messages on facebook, but we are still as close as ever.

As we realized the other day, we have known each other and been friends for almost 10 years now. Its crazy to think about. I am very grateful God put them in my life so many years ago and that we have somehow still managed to stay friends.

Our most recent beach trip: Kelsey, me, Mikaela, and Samantha

I have many more joys in my life, but it would be impossible to put them all down. For now, these three will have to do. And to me, they are the most important.