Today I got a text message that really woke me up to reality and made me realize how pathetic and selfish I am. My best friends grandmother died today. It was after he told me that I realized everything I've been upset over and stressed over is really not a big deal. I am lucky. There much worse things that could happen to me.
It's sad that it took someone's death for me to realize. Right now, he's going through much worse things than I am. I need to stop dwelling on myself and really be there for him. He may not be ready now to open up about it but when he is I want to be there for him. Right now I don't think everything has sunk in. When it does, he will need someone to talk to. I'd like to hope I can be that person.
I've really been praying about. Praying that God will help me to know what to say to him to make him feel better and give him some comfort. The last thing I want to do is say something stupid that only makes things worse.
I kind of understand some of what he's going through. Since I just lost my friend at the beginning of this year, I know what it is to lose someone you are close to. Although losing your friend is not the same as losing your own flesh and blood. But I can at least understand some of what he's feeling. I'd like to think that God is taking some of my hurt and using it for the good of others.
Right now I am really worried about him. I don't know when things will hit or how but it won't be easy when they do. I know I didn't actually start to accept what had happened until I went to the funeral. It was only then that things hit and I broke down.
It was one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced but I think it was very important to feel. I really hope that he can go through his grieving process and let things out. It's not good to keep things locked inside. It'll only make things worse and someday it'll become too much.
I guess all I can do for now is pray for him and be there if he needs me. I still can't help but be worried about him. I wish there was something more I could do but there really isn't. This is a matter that only God can help with.
Death is a hard concept to deal with and understand. There is a reason why God takes who he takes when he takes them. If we become angry about that, we will not accomplish anything. All we can do is learn to accept it and see the good in it. Perhaps the death of one person will create the life of another.
It's no always fair and it doesn't always make sense but it's for the best. His grandmother is with God in a place that is much better than here. Rather than being sad for her, it'd be better to be happy. That isn't easy of course, but maybe knowing that she is somewhere much better would be a comforting thought.
Tonight I will just continue to pray.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Hurt and loneliness
There is nothing more frustrating than not being able to talk to the one person you want to talk to. Wanting to tell them things or ask them things and not being able to. Wanting so badly just to talk even if it's about absolutely nothing. Just knowing you can is a great comfort. When you get so used to being able to do that and then you suddenly can't it gets very hard.
For some reason this keeps happening to me. Once I get close to a person and find someone that I can actually open to, they get pulled away from me. I don't understand why but I don't like it. Every time it happens it gets harder and harder for me to try and open up to another person. But if I don't open up to someone then I just stuff it away somewhere. It gets to the point where I can no longer handle everything and then I end up letting it out in a bad way.
I miss the feeling of having a person you trust completely and know will be there for you no matter what. I've found a person that can do that for me a couple times throughout my life but I've lost those people. The most recent and probably the hardest one for me was Marcus.
I loved that kid and I miss him horribly, especially now that I need him more than ever. He called me every night and teased and annoyed me. Half the time I wanted to smack him or kill him. The other half I wanted to hug him. He was the person that would ride his bike from Gladstone to Clackamas just to stop by and say hello. He showed up at my door randomly and always when I needed to see him. (whether I could admit that at the time or not)
Marcus was the person I told things to. He was the one I got mad at when things weren't going well for me and he took it. He never got upset or tired of me and he never intentionally hurt me. I took him for granted. I never realized that until I lost him. I wish I had appreciated him more but there is nothing I can do about it now. He is gone and I am left here to miss him.
He was probably one of the best friends I've ever had or will have in my lifetime. I wish I had known that when I could've told him. I never told him how much I appreciated him despite his annoyances. I never told him how much he did for me and for so many other people. Now I can't.
I know I should not miss him. He is in heaven which is far better than here. I should feel comforted by that. Knowing that he got what he had always wanted. But somehow I can't help but wishing he didn't have to go so soon. When he died I hadn't been talking to him. I ignored his phone calls and didn't make an effort to get back to him. I know that I had no part in his death but it makes it harder for me to not have gotten to say goodbye.
I know he knew I loved him but I never got to say it. I had many opportunities to do it but didn't.
Marcus taught me a lot of things about life and God while he was still alive. I will never forgot him or the love he showed for everyone. Marcus taught me that you could overcome anything. He did and he was amazing. He never complained about his life and I know there was much to complain of. He taught the value of persistence. I may have gotten annoyed at how much he called and bugged me but he helped me through things without me even knowing it. He impacted so many lives although his own was so short.
Marcus taught me that it doesn't matter what you accomplish in school or at work. All that matters in the end is the kind of person you were. What matters is the lives you impacted with your own and whether that was in a positive way. I know he affected more people than I will ever know and in such a positive way.
Most importantly, he taught me the value of my faith. He had next to nothing but he had his faith and that was all that mattered. Because of it he could've accomplished anything. Marcus had such an unshakable trust in God that you knew it wherever he went. He showed the love of God through not only his words but his actions. He didn't care what people thought of him. He just did what he knew would please God.
And he was not a super religious person. He didn't read his Bible everyday or even go to church every Sunday. I'm not saying that that's a good thing, but I am saying that it isn't what defines your relationship with God. What defines a person and their beliefs is the way they choose to put their beliefs into action. That is simply what he did. He put everything he believed into action.
I only wish I could be like him. But it is not really him that I want to be like. Through him, he was showing God, and that is who I really aspire to be like. It is hard but not impossible.
I miss Marcus and I pray constantly for help in dealing with those feelings. I know that God had a reason for taking him when he did. I am not angry that he decided to do it I just wish I understood why.
If we understood why God did what he did, what fun would life be?
Now I just miss having that person that I can talk to. I am frustrated that God gives me people in my life that I love and then takes them away. It is not always in such a dramatic way but it happens none the less. I don't know why and I wish I did.
Perhaps someday I will begin to understand. Or maybe He is simply trying to teach me that I rely to much on other people and not enough on Him. Sadly this is true and it is something I have realized time and again. I know God is there and I know he hears me when I pray. But I have never really been able to see God as just my friend who I can talk to. Part of this is the way I viewed God growing up but I cannot blame it all on that. I am just not strong enough in my faith.
I need to be patient and persistent in my walk with God. It will take me a while to get closer to God and it will certainly not be easy. But I do believe it will happen. It will just take a lot of learning and stretching on my part.
For some reason this keeps happening to me. Once I get close to a person and find someone that I can actually open to, they get pulled away from me. I don't understand why but I don't like it. Every time it happens it gets harder and harder for me to try and open up to another person. But if I don't open up to someone then I just stuff it away somewhere. It gets to the point where I can no longer handle everything and then I end up letting it out in a bad way.
I miss the feeling of having a person you trust completely and know will be there for you no matter what. I've found a person that can do that for me a couple times throughout my life but I've lost those people. The most recent and probably the hardest one for me was Marcus.
I loved that kid and I miss him horribly, especially now that I need him more than ever. He called me every night and teased and annoyed me. Half the time I wanted to smack him or kill him. The other half I wanted to hug him. He was the person that would ride his bike from Gladstone to Clackamas just to stop by and say hello. He showed up at my door randomly and always when I needed to see him. (whether I could admit that at the time or not)
Marcus was the person I told things to. He was the one I got mad at when things weren't going well for me and he took it. He never got upset or tired of me and he never intentionally hurt me. I took him for granted. I never realized that until I lost him. I wish I had appreciated him more but there is nothing I can do about it now. He is gone and I am left here to miss him.
He was probably one of the best friends I've ever had or will have in my lifetime. I wish I had known that when I could've told him. I never told him how much I appreciated him despite his annoyances. I never told him how much he did for me and for so many other people. Now I can't.
I know I should not miss him. He is in heaven which is far better than here. I should feel comforted by that. Knowing that he got what he had always wanted. But somehow I can't help but wishing he didn't have to go so soon. When he died I hadn't been talking to him. I ignored his phone calls and didn't make an effort to get back to him. I know that I had no part in his death but it makes it harder for me to not have gotten to say goodbye.
I know he knew I loved him but I never got to say it. I had many opportunities to do it but didn't.
Marcus taught me a lot of things about life and God while he was still alive. I will never forgot him or the love he showed for everyone. Marcus taught me that you could overcome anything. He did and he was amazing. He never complained about his life and I know there was much to complain of. He taught the value of persistence. I may have gotten annoyed at how much he called and bugged me but he helped me through things without me even knowing it. He impacted so many lives although his own was so short.
Marcus taught me that it doesn't matter what you accomplish in school or at work. All that matters in the end is the kind of person you were. What matters is the lives you impacted with your own and whether that was in a positive way. I know he affected more people than I will ever know and in such a positive way.
Most importantly, he taught me the value of my faith. He had next to nothing but he had his faith and that was all that mattered. Because of it he could've accomplished anything. Marcus had such an unshakable trust in God that you knew it wherever he went. He showed the love of God through not only his words but his actions. He didn't care what people thought of him. He just did what he knew would please God.
And he was not a super religious person. He didn't read his Bible everyday or even go to church every Sunday. I'm not saying that that's a good thing, but I am saying that it isn't what defines your relationship with God. What defines a person and their beliefs is the way they choose to put their beliefs into action. That is simply what he did. He put everything he believed into action.
I only wish I could be like him. But it is not really him that I want to be like. Through him, he was showing God, and that is who I really aspire to be like. It is hard but not impossible.
I miss Marcus and I pray constantly for help in dealing with those feelings. I know that God had a reason for taking him when he did. I am not angry that he decided to do it I just wish I understood why.
If we understood why God did what he did, what fun would life be?
Now I just miss having that person that I can talk to. I am frustrated that God gives me people in my life that I love and then takes them away. It is not always in such a dramatic way but it happens none the less. I don't know why and I wish I did.
Perhaps someday I will begin to understand. Or maybe He is simply trying to teach me that I rely to much on other people and not enough on Him. Sadly this is true and it is something I have realized time and again. I know God is there and I know he hears me when I pray. But I have never really been able to see God as just my friend who I can talk to. Part of this is the way I viewed God growing up but I cannot blame it all on that. I am just not strong enough in my faith.
I need to be patient and persistent in my walk with God. It will take me a while to get closer to God and it will certainly not be easy. But I do believe it will happen. It will just take a lot of learning and stretching on my part.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He
shall direct your paths."
- Proverbs 3:5,6
shall direct your paths."
- Proverbs 3:5,6
Uncertainty
This one I wrote at the beginning of the summer:
Lately I've been filling out a lot of scholarship essays about what I want todo with my life. When you fill all of those out, you try to sound so completely certain of everything. It's almost like you're putting on a front so that you'll be chosen.
All of it has really made me think. Am I certain of anything in my future? Because I'm me, I have had a plan for my life since I was old enough to talk. What happens if that plan doesn't work out? Uncertainty is one of my greatest fears. Some people fear death or pain. Others fear man, but I fear what I do not know.
I've always believed that God has a plan for my life but I don't know what that plan is. I can hope and plan but I can never be absolutely certain.
Proverbs 16:9
I have so many questions and so few answers. I hate not knowing, yet I am supposed to put my trust and faith in God. I keep praying that I'm making the right decisions. Still, I am completely unsure.
Sometimes I think I only want to be a teacher because I'm afraid to be anything else. I can't help but get overwhelmed by everything I think and feel. But then, there have been so many things and people throughout my life that have led me to the conclusion that I should be a teacher.
I have to face my uncertainty head on and believe with all of my heart, that whatever God wants for my life will happen. Everything I'm doing could be a huge mistake. We learn from our mistakes and take away experience and knowledge from different situations. What happens now, good or bad, will help us in the future.
Even something as horrible as someone's death can lead to life in a different way for someone else. The point is that even though I may be faced with doubt, no matter what happens, God will use me and my experiences for good.
It's like the principle that, For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Horrible things may happen to us, but the horrible leads to something ten times better.
As long as I pray and trust in God, everything will turn out right. I may have uncertainty in my life, but it only leads me right back to God for answers. It's hard to deal with. Accepting that I can't know or understand everything is difficult. But I don't know God's bigger plan. And I guess it's better that way. If I knew everything, what fun would life be?
"The Lord will guide you always." Isaiah 58:11
Ultimately I guess I just need to believe what God tells me.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8
The song by Sara Groves called "Hello Lord" pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now. If you've never listened to it, you should. And really listen to the words.
Lately I've been filling out a lot of scholarship essays about what I want todo with my life. When you fill all of those out, you try to sound so completely certain of everything. It's almost like you're putting on a front so that you'll be chosen.
All of it has really made me think. Am I certain of anything in my future? Because I'm me, I have had a plan for my life since I was old enough to talk. What happens if that plan doesn't work out? Uncertainty is one of my greatest fears. Some people fear death or pain. Others fear man, but I fear what I do not know.
I've always believed that God has a plan for my life but I don't know what that plan is. I can hope and plan but I can never be absolutely certain.
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
Proverbs 16:9
I've started doubting myself and my future. I've always believed Got wanted me to be a teacher, but what if that's just what I wanted? I could be an awful teacher. So what happens then? What if I am wrong?
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1
I have so many questions and so few answers. I hate not knowing, yet I am supposed to put my trust and faith in God. I keep praying that I'm making the right decisions. Still, I am completely unsure.
Sometimes I think I only want to be a teacher because I'm afraid to be anything else. I can't help but get overwhelmed by everything I think and feel. But then, there have been so many things and people throughout my life that have led me to the conclusion that I should be a teacher.
I have to face my uncertainty head on and believe with all of my heart, that whatever God wants for my life will happen. Everything I'm doing could be a huge mistake. We learn from our mistakes and take away experience and knowledge from different situations. What happens now, good or bad, will help us in the future.
Even something as horrible as someone's death can lead to life in a different way for someone else. The point is that even though I may be faced with doubt, no matter what happens, God will use me and my experiences for good.
It's like the principle that, For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Horrible things may happen to us, but the horrible leads to something ten times better.
As long as I pray and trust in God, everything will turn out right. I may have uncertainty in my life, but it only leads me right back to God for answers. It's hard to deal with. Accepting that I can't know or understand everything is difficult. But I don't know God's bigger plan. And I guess it's better that way. If I knew everything, what fun would life be?
"The Lord will guide you always." Isaiah 58:11
Ultimately I guess I just need to believe what God tells me.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8
The song by Sara Groves called "Hello Lord" pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now. If you've never listened to it, you should. And really listen to the words.
Let go, Trust, Be Patient
I learned something about having to let go today. Having to let go of people having to let go of hopes and dreams. Having to embrace what you hoped and prayed wouldn’t happen but is now finally happening. At first I only became angry and overwhelmingly hurt. But we are supposed to refrain from anger and turn from wrath (Psalm 37:8). That is an extremely hard thing to do. Especially when you just want to be angry. You want to scream at God why. Why does it have to happen to me and why does it have to happen now? What did I ever do to deserve this? I want to be angry with so many people but what will that really accomplish? We are not supposed to be angry, but I only wish I knew how to not be.
Right now I need to learn how to accept the things God has for me. I need to believe that God puts us through trials only to make us stronger. That for every negative there will be a positive. I don’t know that I could face a world of negatives. Whenever I think of God’s plan I am reminded of a very popular verse: Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I know this to be true but for some reason, this is one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp. I have been through so many hard things it’s hard to believe that God indeed plans to prosper me. I know he gives me hope and he wants to give me a future, but I don’t seem to like that future. I think I want to try and control it too much. I can’t ever seem to let go. It becomes a daily struggle for me. One that I don’t know how to win.
One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 16:9. It says, “In his heart a man plans his course; but the Lord determines his steps”. I am amazed over and over again how true this one little statement is. There have been countless times where I have planned out what I’d like my life to be and God leads me in a completely different direction. Which is in fact what happened today. I had wanted something for myself so badly and had prayed that God would give it to me. But he had a different plan for me. I had asked God to let me know if what I wanted was what he wanted for me also and he said no today. I need to accept that but it’s extremely hard.
I am in a way afraid. I’m afraid that what I want I will never get. But it’s times like that that I think God wants to beat me upside the head with a Bible. Then I have to remember what he says. “For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you. Do not fear; I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:13) I shouldn’t be afraid. I know that God is always beside me and I have no reason to fear, but that doesn’t stop me from actually fearing. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to simply trust God.
In a way it’s an issue of patience. I need to be patient and wait for God’s perfect timing. I just need to remember that God won’t forget me. He may put me through a good deal but in the end, I will be stronger for it. I need to remember the story of Job. God put him through so much suffering. More suffering then I’ll hopefully ever have to go through. It was definitely not easy for Job to deal with everything. He could’ve given up at any time and simply quite, but he did not. He could’ve lost his patience and decided that God would never reward his suffering but he did not. Instead he stuck through it all. He persevered when it was hardest and God rewarded him tremendously for it. I don’t really understand why God put Job through so much. I don’t understand why he chose Job or why he chose to put him through what he did.
I think that perhaps God chose Job because he knew he could survive it. God does not put us through anything that we cannot endure. He knows just what we can handle and will not push us past that point. I don’t fully understand why God would choose to put a person through terrible things but I’m sure there’s a reason. There is a reason for everything that God does. Whether we understand that reason or not.
I also need to remember that what I am going through is not that bad. Many people have gone through much worse things. They survived and I can as well. Through everything, the most important thing is to keep my faith and trust in God. If I can manage to do that, I’ll be okay. I really should be grateful. Many people do not even get to openly express their faith. I get to write about it and talk about it. I am truly lucky. I may not have some things but I have what’s important.
Someday, God may reward me for my faith in him through everything I have gone through. Maybe he never will but what I have survived will help me to be able to help someone else. I strongly believe that God throws us into situations so that we can help someone later in our lives who is going through the same situation. If I can just remember that good will come of all the pain and struggle, I can make it through.
Maybe that’s why I am going to be a teacher. I want so much to help other people. If by having pain and hurt in my life, I can make someone else’s life a little easier then I am happy to do it. When I teach I will encounter many people who are going through really hard situations. Because of my life experience, I can help guide them in the right direction. Or if anything, I can listen and understand.
I can’t say that I’ve completed accepted my situation right now. It will take a lot of getting used to and a lot of prayer and trust. Somehow, with time and a little bit of patience, I may one day learn to get past it all. I just need to remember God loves me and will never leave me. He will get me through anything.
Many things will occur throughout our lives but through it all God will always be there right next to us. Another way to say that may be this:
You will lose your baby teeth
At times you’ll lose your faith in me
You will lose a lot of things
But you cannot lose my love
You may lose your appetite
Your guiding sense of wrong and right
You may lose your will to fight
But you cannot lose my love
You will lose your confidence
In times of trial your common sense
You may lose your innocence
But you cannot lose my love
Many things can be replaced
Your very memories be erased
No matter what the time or space
You cannot lose my love
Right now I need to learn how to accept the things God has for me. I need to believe that God puts us through trials only to make us stronger. That for every negative there will be a positive. I don’t know that I could face a world of negatives. Whenever I think of God’s plan I am reminded of a very popular verse: Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I know this to be true but for some reason, this is one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp. I have been through so many hard things it’s hard to believe that God indeed plans to prosper me. I know he gives me hope and he wants to give me a future, but I don’t seem to like that future. I think I want to try and control it too much. I can’t ever seem to let go. It becomes a daily struggle for me. One that I don’t know how to win.
One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 16:9. It says, “In his heart a man plans his course; but the Lord determines his steps”. I am amazed over and over again how true this one little statement is. There have been countless times where I have planned out what I’d like my life to be and God leads me in a completely different direction. Which is in fact what happened today. I had wanted something for myself so badly and had prayed that God would give it to me. But he had a different plan for me. I had asked God to let me know if what I wanted was what he wanted for me also and he said no today. I need to accept that but it’s extremely hard.
I am in a way afraid. I’m afraid that what I want I will never get. But it’s times like that that I think God wants to beat me upside the head with a Bible. Then I have to remember what he says. “For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you. Do not fear; I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:13) I shouldn’t be afraid. I know that God is always beside me and I have no reason to fear, but that doesn’t stop me from actually fearing. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to simply trust God.
In a way it’s an issue of patience. I need to be patient and wait for God’s perfect timing. I just need to remember that God won’t forget me. He may put me through a good deal but in the end, I will be stronger for it. I need to remember the story of Job. God put him through so much suffering. More suffering then I’ll hopefully ever have to go through. It was definitely not easy for Job to deal with everything. He could’ve given up at any time and simply quite, but he did not. He could’ve lost his patience and decided that God would never reward his suffering but he did not. Instead he stuck through it all. He persevered when it was hardest and God rewarded him tremendously for it. I don’t really understand why God put Job through so much. I don’t understand why he chose Job or why he chose to put him through what he did.
I think that perhaps God chose Job because he knew he could survive it. God does not put us through anything that we cannot endure. He knows just what we can handle and will not push us past that point. I don’t fully understand why God would choose to put a person through terrible things but I’m sure there’s a reason. There is a reason for everything that God does. Whether we understand that reason or not.
I also need to remember that what I am going through is not that bad. Many people have gone through much worse things. They survived and I can as well. Through everything, the most important thing is to keep my faith and trust in God. If I can manage to do that, I’ll be okay. I really should be grateful. Many people do not even get to openly express their faith. I get to write about it and talk about it. I am truly lucky. I may not have some things but I have what’s important.
Someday, God may reward me for my faith in him through everything I have gone through. Maybe he never will but what I have survived will help me to be able to help someone else. I strongly believe that God throws us into situations so that we can help someone later in our lives who is going through the same situation. If I can just remember that good will come of all the pain and struggle, I can make it through.
Maybe that’s why I am going to be a teacher. I want so much to help other people. If by having pain and hurt in my life, I can make someone else’s life a little easier then I am happy to do it. When I teach I will encounter many people who are going through really hard situations. Because of my life experience, I can help guide them in the right direction. Or if anything, I can listen and understand.
I can’t say that I’ve completed accepted my situation right now. It will take a lot of getting used to and a lot of prayer and trust. Somehow, with time and a little bit of patience, I may one day learn to get past it all. I just need to remember God loves me and will never leave me. He will get me through anything.
Many things will occur throughout our lives but through it all God will always be there right next to us. Another way to say that may be this:
You will lose your baby teeth
At times you’ll lose your faith in me
You will lose a lot of things
But you cannot lose my love
You may lose your appetite
Your guiding sense of wrong and right
You may lose your will to fight
But you cannot lose my love
You will lose your confidence
In times of trial your common sense
You may lose your innocence
But you cannot lose my love
Many things can be replaced
Your very memories be erased
No matter what the time or space
You cannot lose my love
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