Hurt and loneliness

There is nothing more frustrating than not being able to talk to the one person you want to talk to. Wanting to tell them things or ask them things and not being able to. Wanting so badly just to talk even if it's about absolutely nothing. Just knowing you can is a great comfort. When you get so used to being able to do that and then you suddenly can't it gets very hard.
For some reason this keeps happening to me. Once I get close to a person and find someone that I can actually open to, they get pulled away from me. I don't understand why but I don't like it. Every time it happens it gets harder and harder for me to try and open up to another person. But if I don't open up to someone then I just stuff it away somewhere. It gets to the point where I can no longer handle everything and then I end up letting it out in a bad way.
I miss the feeling of having a person you trust completely and know will be there for you no matter what. I've found a person that can do that for me a couple times throughout my life but I've lost those people. The most recent and probably the hardest one for me was Marcus.
I loved that kid and I miss him horribly, especially now that I need him more than ever. He called me every night and teased and annoyed me. Half the time I wanted to smack him or kill him. The other half I wanted to hug him. He was the person that would ride his bike from Gladstone to Clackamas just to stop by and say hello. He showed up at my door randomly and always when I needed to see him. (whether I could admit that at the time or not)
Marcus was the person I told things to. He was the one I got mad at when things weren't going well for me and he took it. He never got upset or tired of me and he never intentionally hurt me. I took him for granted. I never realized that until I lost him. I wish I had appreciated him more but there is nothing I can do about it now. He is gone and I am left here to miss him.
He was probably one of the best friends I've ever had or will have in my lifetime. I wish I had known that when I could've told him. I never told him how much I appreciated him despite his annoyances. I never told him how much he did for me and for so many other people. Now I can't.
I know I should not miss him. He is in heaven which is far better than here. I should feel comforted by that. Knowing that he got what he had always wanted. But somehow I can't help but wishing he didn't have to go so soon. When he died I hadn't been talking to him. I ignored his phone calls and didn't make an effort to get back to him. I know that I had no part in his death but it makes it harder for me to not have gotten to say goodbye.
I know he knew I loved him but I never got to say it. I had many opportunities to do it but didn't.

Marcus taught me a lot of things about life and God while he was still alive. I will never forgot him or the love he showed for everyone. Marcus taught me that you could overcome anything. He did and he was amazing. He never complained about his life and I know there was much to complain of. He taught the value of persistence. I may have gotten annoyed at how much he called and bugged me but he helped me through things without me even knowing it. He impacted so many lives although his own was so short.
Marcus taught me that it doesn't matter what you accomplish in school or at work. All that matters in the end is the kind of person you were. What matters is the lives you impacted with your own and whether that was in a positive way. I know he affected more people than I will ever know and in such a positive way.
Most importantly, he taught me the value of my faith. He had next to nothing but he had his faith and that was all that mattered. Because of it he could've accomplished anything. Marcus had such an unshakable trust in God that you knew it wherever he went. He showed the love of God through not only his words but his actions. He didn't care what people thought of him. He just did what he knew would please God.
And he was not a super religious person. He didn't read his Bible everyday or even go to church every Sunday. I'm not saying that that's a good thing, but I am saying that it isn't what defines your relationship with God. What defines a person and their beliefs is the way they choose to put their beliefs into action. That is simply what he did. He put everything he believed into action.

I only wish I could be like him. But it is not really him that I want to be like. Through him, he was showing God, and that is who I really aspire to be like. It is hard but not impossible.


I miss Marcus and I pray constantly for help in dealing with those feelings. I know that God had a reason for taking him when he did. I am not angry that he decided to do it I just wish I understood why.
If we understood why God did what he did, what fun would life be?

Now I just miss having that person that I can talk to. I am frustrated that God gives me people in my life that I love and then takes them away. It is not always in such a dramatic way but it happens none the less. I don't know why and I wish I did.

Perhaps someday I will begin to understand. Or maybe He is simply trying to teach me that I rely to much on other people and not enough on Him. Sadly this is true and it is something I have realized time and again. I know God is there and I know he hears me when I pray. But I have never really been able to see God as just my friend who I can talk to. Part of this is the way I viewed God growing up but I cannot blame it all on that. I am just not strong enough in my faith.

I need to be patient and persistent in my walk with God. It will take me a while to get closer to God and it will certainly not be easy. But I do believe it will happen. It will just take a lot of learning and stretching on my part.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own

understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He
shall direct your paths."
- Proverbs 3:5,6