Nighttime

Sleepless nights haunt me. Though I pray for relief, it does not come. One day blurs into the next until I no longer recognize them. Soon things will get better. Easier. Exhaustion, washes over me, drowning me in unending waves. Things aren't supposed to be this hard. I never planned for this. Homework, once finished days in advance, now sits neglected. What happened to me?

I wasn't supposed to feel this way. It wasn't supposed to end up like this. Watching it unfold before me gets harder, yet, I don't know what else to do. Lie. Pretend to be fine. For awhile, no one notices. Slowly, facades slip away. My wall begins to crack, letting in that which it was built to keep out. Buried hurt surfaces at the most inopportune moments. Though I try to cover it, it will not be hidden.

Constantly slipping away, I cannot hold on. Knowing of its eventuality did not make it any easier. The hurt still exists. Still causes the tears. I stare in as if looking through a glass window, face pressed against the glass. Inside I see it, but the glass bars my way. Though I knock, no one looks. Do they even know? Dare I let them?

Fear

Fear seems to be permeating my life right now. I am afraid of what may or may not happen, of decisions that have to be made. I am afraid of the silence I cannot seem to break, and the answers I may be missing. I am afraid of of answers to my questions, and the hurt that may accompany them. Mostly, I am afraid of messing everything up.

The last couple of weeks have been hard. Some days I just feel like crying, others I don't know what to feel. At one point, I lost it completely and wanted so badly to give up. The next day, I got an answer that I needed very much.

While this last week has been a lot better, I am starting to slip back into uncertainty and second guessing. I want so badly to be content with where things are at right now, but I cannot help but wonder and worry. God is definitely teaching me patience this semester.

Since school began, I have not been able to sleep past 5 am. When I wake, I feel unsettled and drained. That is why, I pray. Eventually, I feel at peace again and can usually fall back asleep, but it is still taking its toll on me.

I am not sure where God is leading me at the moment and though I ask, I get no answer. I am trusting that no matter the outcome, I will be okay. I may not like how things end, but I trust that it will all work out in the end. That is not to say I will not be hurt through the process.

There is something I do not understand. I have been praying constantly that God would guard my heart as I try and figure my way through my relationships, yet I am afraid it is not working. I feel like I am losing more and more of myself and I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to hope or to run. The more I pray about this, the more I become confused about it.

Every day I have to remind myself that I don't have to be this upset and confused. I don't have to do this alone. While it is hard, I keep handing over my frustration, my confusion and my hurt to God. This is not my situation to control and when I try to, it only gets harder.


No matter how this all works out, I will be okay. I am so very blessed with the people God has placed in my life and they help me get through it all. Without their encouragement and guidance, I may have fallen to pieces weeks ago. For now, I will keep on praying and keep on reading my Bible. The rest is God's to work out, and I find comfort in knowing that even if I do fall apart, He'll put me back together again. He has before, and He can do it again.

Oh life, why are you so complicated?

This Journey is My Own

Lately, I have not been sleeping well. Perhaps it is the heat, or maybe it is something else. I am not sure but I do know that something is wrong. While I was trying to find something to do with myself instead of sleeping, I decided to read through some of my old posts. Reading through them was an interesting experience.

It made me realize several things that I think are very important. I have and continue to struggle with the same issues with God. I have lately been frustrated by this, but looking back at how I felt over the last several years, I came to a realization. Maybe it isn't so bad that I question the things that I do. Through my frustration, and questioning, I have grown. I still do not have answers to all of my questions, but I do not think I am supposed to.

While reading, I also realized something else. I have lost some of my certainty. While I questioned God and Christianity, I still looked to Him for comfort and for my answers. I still trusted that He could get me through any situation and though it may be hard at the time, in the end, I always came out stronger. Over the past year, I have lost that and it makes me sad. I do not know when or why it happened, but I think that is a big part of why I am having a difficult time now.

I have been very encouraged to go back to the best source for my constant desire for knowledge, the Bible. Somehow I forgot how much it can help and encourage me. Reading it now has been enlightening. It is almost like reading it for the first time. In a way, I am. There are things I am beginning to understand that I was not ready or willing to understand before.

Uncertainty has been a constant theme that runs in my life and I found a blog I wrote a little over three years ago about this exact thing. It may sound strange, but I found help and comfort in my own musings from that time. One verse that really helped me at the time and that I still like is the following:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

Psalm 32:8

I get so caught up in worrying about the future and planning, that I forget I am not in control. Sure, I can make all of the plans I want, but in the end, my plans are not what matter. Sometimes, it is okay to now know. As this verse reminds me, God is watching over me and will lead me in the right direction. I just need to let Him.

As i read through one my old posts, I was reminded of one of the most important people I have ever known. I wrote a blog shortly after I lost my best friend, and I completely forgot about it. Reading back through it was difficult. While I do not cry every time I think of my friend anymore, I do still miss him. Over the years, I have forgotten what he taught me. This is what I wrote at the time:

"Marcus taught me a lot of things about life and God while he was still alive. I will never forget him or the love he showed for everyone. Marcus taught me that you could overcome anything. He did and he was amazing. He never complained about his life and I know there was much to complain of. He taught the value of persistence. I may have gotten annoyed at how much he called and bugged me but he helped me through things without me even knowing it. He impacted so many lives although his own was so short.
Marcus taught me that it doesn't matter what you accomplish in school or at work. All that matters in the end is the kind of person you were. What matters is the lives you impacted with your own and whether or not that was in a positive way. I know he affected more people than I will ever know and in such a positive way.
Most importantly, he taught me the value of my faith. He had next to nothing but he had his faith and that was all that mattered. Because of it, he could've accomplished anything. Marcus had such an unshakable trust in God that you knew it wherever he went. He showed the love of God through not only his words but his actions. He didn't care what people thought of him he just did what he knew God was calling him to do."

Every time I read this verse, I think of Marcus:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own

understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He
shall direct your paths."
- Proverbs 3:5,6

Another theme in my life I have noticed is the theme of suffering and pain. At times I struggle with how to deal with this. It has probably been the biggest reason I fight with God. However, I was reminded that while I often view my struggles as a negative, much good can come from them as well.

When we go through hard times and survive them, we become stronger. One painful experience only prepares us for another. God will never put us through anything we cannot handle. I guess that's something we should remember. And when we are suffering, we are not alone. God is always there beside us. Even when we reject him. No matter what, he is always there. He is the only one that no matter what, we can turn to.

No matter how mad you get at God, or how far you walk away from Him, He'll be there at the end of the day. Even when your friends aren't. And I truly believe that God gives us friends to help ease some of the suffering.

There are so many hard things we must experience. From every hard experience, I walk away with new understanding and a bit of growth. I was reminded of Isaiah when I was thinking of this.

Isaiah 40:29-31

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength."

Lastly, I noticed that I tend to write when I am struggling the most. However, this also when I seem to learn the most about myself and about God. It is the times when I am forced to give up all control and turn to God that He is able to teach me. Hopefully I can learn to do this without having to hit rock bottom first.

The more I learn and the more I grow in my relationship with God, the more struggles and temptations that are thrown in my path. Rather than being frustrated and overwhelmed by this, I should take it as a sign that God is doing something in me. I will find joy in my pain and learning in my struggles.

There are two songs that I have been listening to over and over that i think fit nicely with all of this. Both of them are by Sara Groves. She is who I listen to when I need encouragement, or when I am upset. The first is entitled, "It's Going to Be Alright" which I think is self explanatory. The other song is "He's Always Been Faithful" and this is a song that has helped me more than any other song. It can bring me to tears every time I hear it, but in a good way. So here are they lyrics and if you haven't heard it before, you should find it. -

He's Always been Faithful:

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me.

I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand

All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful, He's always been faithful
He's always been faithful to me.

Of June

Current Struggles:
- loneliness
- confusion

- my faith

Loneliness:

I am glad to say that in many ways, this has gotten much better. I have been able to talk to one of my friends almost every day pretty much and that is always very encouraging. Plus I have gotten to spend a lot more time with another of my friends. She's spent almost every night at my apartment for the last two weeks watching a ridiculous tv show with me. All of this has helped very much with the feeling of loneliness, however, it is still something I feel. Especially now that I am alone for the weekend.

Confusion:

There are a great many things that have me confused as of late. I recently have had some issues with one of my friendships that I don't know what to do about. I was finally honest with them in a way I haven't been able to before, but ever since I returned from Europe, our friendship just hasn't been quite right. I feel in many ways it has been tearing me down more than it has been building me up. It reminds me of Proverbs 12:26 - "A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray." That is not to say that my friend is wicked, but when I hang out with her, I am around a lot more swearing and drinking. I have always chosen my friends carefully and it is not easy for me to get close to people. But perhaps certain friendships are only meant to last a season, and lately, I have seen different friendships replace some old ones for the better. I don't know what I should do at this point. I do not like hurting people and I know that has already happened. At the same time, I am trying really hard to get my life on track for once.

There is also another issue I am confused about, but for now, I will leave that one be and just continue to pray about it. If God wants it to happen, it will.

My Faith:

As always, this is a still a struggle I am dealing with. However, an amazing thing happened the other day. My biggest problem is that I have always felt a disconnect from God. I feel as though I search for Him, but never find Him. As I was talking to someone, they quoted Deuteronomy 4:29 to me which says, "But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul." At the time I did not think much of it.

A few days letter I received a letter from another friend and in it, he quoted the same exact verse to me. I don't remember why or even what he said about it, but the moment I read it again, it hit me really hard.

It was as if God was using these two people and this one verse to get my attention I did not hear God the first time, but the second time, He got my undivided attention. It was as if God was telling me to keep looking for him, because eventually I would find Him. So that is precisely what I am doing. Seeking God with all of my heart and all of my soul. and I have been starting that by grounding myself in the word. Something I have needed to do for a long time but haven't. With every passage I read, I am learning more and I am encouraged more.

Current Joys:

- Friends

- Fourth of July

- Letters

- Writing

- Reading

Friends:

My friends are a constant source of joy to me. Some more than others at times, but I love all of them and am incredibly grateful that God has blessed me with such wonderful people. I have a lot of people that I consider to be my friends, but there are only a handful of people that I consider to be my close friends. I have seen God use them to work in my life in amazing ways these last couple of months and every time I am blown away.

This last weekend I was very excited when I got a phone call from someone I haven't talked to in months. I had, had to work that Saturday and was not excited to go back to my empty apartment so her phone call was exactly what I needed. Through talking to her, and seeing how supportive and enthusiastic she was for me about some things that have been happening in my life, I realized just how lucky I was to have her and how much I missed her. Over the last 9 or so years, she has been the person that is always there for me no matter what. She let me drag her anywhere, and was always willing to talk about whatever relationship mess I had gotten myself into at the time. It was so nice to be able to talk to her once again. Now I just wish she wasn't all the way in Minnesota.

Fourth of July:

I will make this one short. On Friday, I get to go to the beach with 4 of the 6 of my 6-pack for the entire weekend. I am SUPER excited and it will be amazing! I love these girls a heck of a lot. :)

Letters:

This has been and will continue to be a HUGE joy in my life. Anyone that knows me at all, should know by now just how excited I have been about this all summer ( I'm pretty sure I tell absolutely everyone, even people I don't know) I love letters! Just ask anyone who has seen my find one in my mailbox. :) This summer I have gotten the wonderful blessing of having a pen pal! A real live one that I know! That is something that I have ALWAYS wanted and I finally got one. In a way, I actually have two. Two of my friends have been sending letters and back and forth with me this summer and it has been a lot of fun. It has given me an outlet to share a lot of things I have needed to, as well as get to learn more about the people who write me. And I always manage to get my letters on the days that I need them the most.

Writing:

Previously this has been a struggle for me, but as of this last week, I am officially writing again. While looking for something on my computer, I came across a story that I had started my freshman year of college. I had written about 15 or so pages of it before and I did not remember it all. I read it out loud to my roommate and we both laughed at how ridiculous it was. When I finished reading it, she told me I should finish it, so that's what I decided to do. After a lot of rewriting of what I originally had, and a lot of additions, I am now on page 23. Hopefully I can finish it up soon. I am very happy to be writing again.

Reading:

One of the things I enjoy the most in my life is reading. During the school year, I pretty much do nothing but read, so by the summer, I am somewhat burnt out. However, the summer is the only time I have for reading fun books that I want to read. I have already finished quite a few books this summer and went to the library and picked up a few more. Next on my list is Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller, The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis, and a bunch of short stories by Flannery O'Conner. These are just a few, and my list of things I want to read is ever increasing. Luckily, I have very little to do this summer other than read, so it shouldn't be hard to make a big dent in my list. :)

Summer

Current Struggles:

- inability to write

- loneliness

- tests

- overwhelming doubt

- my faith

Inability to Write:

For the last year or so, I have had a very difficult time writing. As it is now summer, I have much more time to devote to the things I once used to enjoy. One of those is writing. I began writing again on the trip I just took to Europe. It was not a lot but it was a start. For some reason, every time I have gone to write a story or even a blog, I end up staring at the screen watching as the cursor blinks back at me in impatience. And yet, nothing comes.

I used to write short stories all of the time. Mostly about things that have happened to me, or things that I find entertaining. I loved doing it, and I would really like to do it again. This summer I would like to be able to get back into a writing mood. However, this is not something that can be forced so I will have to be patient with myself. Right now, I am still struggling with it.

Loneliness:

As it is summer, I am almost always alone on campus. My roommate goes home on the weekends and even when she is here, I still feel alone most of the time. It is difficult to put into words, but there is very definitely something missing in my life right now. I keep praying that I could understand what it is. At this point I am still unsure. I desperately miss some people in my life. Summer is always very hard.

Tests:

In order to apply for the MAT program, I need to first pass the C-Best as well as the ORELA. I have been putting off taking these two tests for over a year now. Not only because they are expensive to take, but also because I am afraid I will not pass them. One of my biggest fears is failure. I don't like it, and I do not deal with it well. If I don't pass these tests, I will be very disappointed in myself. I can say I am honestly afraid.

Overwhelming doubt:

The past couple of months, I have started to doubt my career path. I very much like to have a plan and be in control of that plan. For reasons that are somewhat hard to explain, I have always been drawn to the teaching profession. I enjoy helping other people and I love being the person that helps someone else reach understanding. I find joy in the success of others. Everyone has always told me I would make a great teacher and it is what I have wanted to do since I was five years old. But what if that is not what God wants me to do?

I have been

so focused on my "plan" my whole life that I have never really been sure that it is what God wants for me. I still enjoy teaching, but I do not enjoy my literature classes as much as when I started college. In fact, I dread them. I feel like that passion has slowly burned out. I do however, enjoy my history classes a great deal. I added on history last year to fill up time and to give me two subject areas that I could teach. Now I find that I enjoy my history classes far more than I ever have my literature classes. Even still, I don't know if that is enough to make me a great teacher. I would never want to teach unless that is what God is calling me to do. It is not fair to myself and more importantly, it is not fair to all of the students I may one day have. I keep praying for guidance, yet I hear nothing.

My Faith:

The overwhelming sense of doubt I feel about much of my life ties in very much to my struggles with my faith. I have always had trust issues with God. I am angry at him for so much and I desperately want to find a sense of peace with God. No matter how much I pray, I still feel like I am getting nowhere. I don't know how to hear God or listen for his guidance. The more I struggle with my faith, the more frustrated I become with everything. Yet for some reason I cannot fully explain, I never give up.

Praying is especially difficult for me because I feel as though I am talking to myself. I have heard that you should talk to God as a friend. That that is what He is supposed to be. The problem is, He doesn't feel like a friend.

Current Joys:

- trip to Europe

- new friends

- old friends

Trip to Europe:

During May, I went with a group from my school on a 3 week trip to Europe. We began in Italy and ended in Germany. Along the way we stopped in France and Switzerland. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Everywhere we went was rich with history and the secrets of years past. It was staggering. I just wish I would have known more about everything I saw.

We focused on events and places that were important in Christianity. At first I was a little hesitant about approaching the trip from this point of view, but I am really glad we did. I learned a lot about things I had only ever briefly studied or thought about. It forced me to take a deeper look at a lot of things. It also opened up the idea of faith and allowed for a lot of profoundly good conversations. Overall, I think it was a very good thing for me.

New Friends:

As apart of this trip, I got to know a lot of people I did not previously know. God put some remarkable people in our group and I am so blessed to have gotten to spend 3 weeks with them. Going into the trip, I was actually really scared. I never do very well with new people, which is why I chose to go on a trip with no one I knew. With the exception of one girl, I didn't really know anyone. I am not particularly proud of this, but I prejudged a lot of the people in our group. I wasn't sure if I would fit in with either of the two groups that seemed to have naturally sprouted.

There were a particular set of people that I thought there was probably no way I would end up being friends with after the trip. They were all nice people, but I just didn't see myself really fitting in with them. I could not have been more wrong in my life. I completely judged these people wrong. It is one of those funny life things where God takes something you think and flips it on its head for the better. There were two particular people that for some reason, I clicked with in a very unique way.

I hardly ever open up to people quickly. Even though it may seem that I am out going and friendly, I really am not. It takes me awhile to warm up to people and to feel comfortable. With these two people, I felt okay to be myself, wether that involved being way too hyper, or extremely withdrawn and quiet. I felt a sense of peace that I do not normally feel with any of my friends. It is difficult to explain, but it was very nice. And it was also exactly what I needed. There were some things I was dealing with or struggling with and wether they knew it or not, the two of them always managed to say just the right thing at the right time. Needless to say, I made a lot of very good friendships on the trip, and I pray they will continue. I think they will be very, very good for me.

I have a weird quirk I guess you could say where I tell people I miss them when they leave, and that I missed them while they were gone. I have no idea why I do this, but I kind of always have. Maybe it is how I show affection on some level for people. Either way, while in Europe, I did this all the time with several people. While it may seem silly and fun, I do mean it. And right now, I miss some of those people a great deal.

Old Friends:

Lately, I have gotten to do a lot of fun things with a group of my best friends. Those that know me well understand what I am talking about when I say my 6-pack. It is 6 of us (Kelsey, Katrina, me, Allison, Mikaela and Samantha) that have all known each other since 7th grade. We have always done things together and they are the people I feel the most comfortable with. I know so much about all of them, and I can safely say, they know way too much about me. :) Since we have all split apart and gone all over for college, it has been a little harder to maintain our friendships.

However, we all still manage to make time for each other. The four of us who are still in Oregon get together more frequently than when all 6 of us do. Even though we all live separate lives in separate places, when we get together, it is as if nothing has changed since high school. That is why I love them so much. We may not call each other frequently or even leave each other messages on facebook, but we are still as close as ever.

As we realized the other day, we have known each other and been friends for almost 10 years now. Its crazy to think about. I am very grateful God put them in my life so many years ago and that we have somehow still managed to stay friends.

Our most recent beach trip: Kelsey, me, Mikaela, and Samantha

I have many more joys in my life, but it would be impossible to put them all down. For now, these three will have to do. And to me, they are the most important.