Let go, Trust, Be Patient

I learned something about having to let go today. Having to let go of people having to let go of hopes and dreams. Having to embrace what you hoped and prayed wouldn’t happen but is now finally happening. At first I only became angry and overwhelmingly hurt. But we are supposed to refrain from anger and turn from wrath (Psalm 37:8). That is an extremely hard thing to do. Especially when you just want to be angry. You want to scream at God why. Why does it have to happen to me and why does it have to happen now? What did I ever do to deserve this? I want to be angry with so many people but what will that really accomplish? We are not supposed to be angry, but I only wish I knew how to not be.
Right now I need to learn how to accept the things God has for me. I need to believe that God puts us through trials only to make us stronger. That for every negative there will be a positive. I don’t know that I could face a world of negatives. Whenever I think of God’s plan I am reminded of a very popular verse: Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I know this to be true but for some reason, this is one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp. I have been through so many hard things it’s hard to believe that God indeed plans to prosper me. I know he gives me hope and he wants to give me a future, but I don’t seem to like that future. I think I want to try and control it too much. I can’t ever seem to let go. It becomes a daily struggle for me. One that I don’t know how to win.
One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 16:9. It says, “In his heart a man plans his course; but the Lord determines his steps”. I am amazed over and over again how true this one little statement is. There have been countless times where I have planned out what I’d like my life to be and God leads me in a completely different direction. Which is in fact what happened today. I had wanted something for myself so badly and had prayed that God would give it to me. But he had a different plan for me. I had asked God to let me know if what I wanted was what he wanted for me also and he said no today. I need to accept that but it’s extremely hard.
I am in a way afraid. I’m afraid that what I want I will never get. But it’s times like that that I think God wants to beat me upside the head with a Bible. Then I have to remember what he says. “For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you. Do not fear; I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:13) I shouldn’t be afraid. I know that God is always beside me and I have no reason to fear, but that doesn’t stop me from actually fearing. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to simply trust God.
In a way it’s an issue of patience. I need to be patient and wait for God’s perfect timing. I just need to remember that God won’t forget me. He may put me through a good deal but in the end, I will be stronger for it. I need to remember the story of Job. God put him through so much suffering. More suffering then I’ll hopefully ever have to go through. It was definitely not easy for Job to deal with everything. He could’ve given up at any time and simply quite, but he did not. He could’ve lost his patience and decided that God would never reward his suffering but he did not. Instead he stuck through it all. He persevered when it was hardest and God rewarded him tremendously for it. I don’t really understand why God put Job through so much. I don’t understand why he chose Job or why he chose to put him through what he did.
I think that perhaps God chose Job because he knew he could survive it. God does not put us through anything that we cannot endure. He knows just what we can handle and will not push us past that point. I don’t fully understand why God would choose to put a person through terrible things but I’m sure there’s a reason. There is a reason for everything that God does. Whether we understand that reason or not.
I also need to remember that what I am going through is not that bad. Many people have gone through much worse things. They survived and I can as well. Through everything, the most important thing is to keep my faith and trust in God. If I can manage to do that, I’ll be okay. I really should be grateful. Many people do not even get to openly express their faith. I get to write about it and talk about it. I am truly lucky. I may not have some things but I have what’s important.
Someday, God may reward me for my faith in him through everything I have gone through. Maybe he never will but what I have survived will help me to be able to help someone else. I strongly believe that God throws us into situations so that we can help someone later in our lives who is going through the same situation. If I can just remember that good will come of all the pain and struggle, I can make it through.
Maybe that’s why I am going to be a teacher. I want so much to help other people. If by having pain and hurt in my life, I can make someone else’s life a little easier then I am happy to do it. When I teach I will encounter many people who are going through really hard situations. Because of my life experience, I can help guide them in the right direction. Or if anything, I can listen and understand.
I can’t say that I’ve completed accepted my situation right now. It will take a lot of getting used to and a lot of prayer and trust. Somehow, with time and a little bit of patience, I may one day learn to get past it all. I just need to remember God loves me and will never leave me. He will get me through anything.
Many things will occur throughout our lives but through it all God will always be there right next to us. Another way to say that may be this:


You will lose your baby teeth
At times you’ll lose your faith in me
You will lose a lot of things
But you cannot lose my love

You may lose your appetite
Your guiding sense of wrong and right
You may lose your will to fight
But you cannot lose my love

You will lose your confidence
In times of trial your common sense
You may lose your innocence
But you cannot lose my love

Many things can be replaced
Your very memories be erased
No matter what the time or space
You cannot lose my love